What the ...?

Poundland devalued

Due to the collapse of Sterling, the bargain store has been forced to rebrand as 'Tuppence Zone'. A spokesperson confirmed: 'One Poundland is currently trading for a single Walmart carrier bag.'

Investors in Poundland have found their liquidity drop to the point where they may need to shop at Poundland. Sadly all in-store items are now worth considerably more than a pound, leaving their sole product range as penny sweets, now valued at 99p each.

Traditionally the pound had a pound for pound ratio, but now it is only measured in ounces - renamed the Sub-atomic Pound, given its relative size. The Treasury said: 'If we had a pound for every time the pound was devalued... in fact, that might be the problem.'

IMF 'bunch of bellends' or 'absolutely brilliant' depending if we need to borrow money

This week, the government is focusing its mixed messaging and contradictory positions on the International Monetary Fund.

'How dare they criticise our incompetence', said someone doing a terrible impression of a Chancellor. 'Yes, the pound has collapsed and the country's heading for a slump, but they shouldn't point that out. Having said that, we really love the way they loan money to countries that have destroyed their own economies. Not that we've done that, and if we did it's definitely Gordon Brown's fault.'