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It was announced today that from now on, anyone filling in a form on a government website will have to prove they are human by using the CAPTCHA tool.


However, rather than being asked which squares contain traffic lights or motorcycles, they will be shown a random assortment of schools and hospitals and asked to say which ones look as if they might contain RAAC.


'It's really just outsourcing taken to its logical conclusion,' said Sir Crispin Penpusher of the Department for Administrative Affairs. 'Rather than doing something ourselves, we'll give the job to people we know nothing about, who probably have no skills and certainly no incentive to do it properly.


'Exactly the same approach we'll take to removing the RAAC once it's been found, in fact.'


Asked why RAAC was used in permanent buildings when it was known not to last very long, Penpusher replied 'Ah, well you see, that decision was taken by my predecessor, Sir Godfrey Timeserver.


'Naturally he knew he'd have retired long before it became a problem, just as I'll have retired before... well, no need for you to know about that just yet.'



On his first day as Secretary of Defence, Grant Shapps appeared to promise to quadruple the size and effectiveness of Britain's Armed Forces.


One sycophantic apparatchik simpered 'Grant is so good at fixing all the problems in a government department, that he's had 5 ministerial posts in 12 months. He's also great at making one person look like they have four identities, so quadrupling the army is right in his wheelhouse.'


Rishi Sunak is thought to consider Shapps to be well qualified for the post of Defence Secretary as Shapps tried both clay pigeon shooting and archery on a stag do. However attendees on that stag do reported that Shapps was 'a danger to himself and others' and was 'better suited to organising the piss up in a brewery', which turned into an 'alcopop fuelled fiasco.'




Reports circulating this morning that a clue was spotted going through the front door of Downing Street so far remain unconfirmed with several government ministers unable to shed any light on the matter.


Michael Gove said: 'I know the Prime Minister has been desperate to have a clue at his disposal recently but having spent quite a considerable time in his company I certainly haven't seen any evidence of one.'


Health Secretary Steve Barclay speaking to the BBC was guarded: 'A clue? Err... no... I don't think so.'


While former minister, Chris Grayling, spotted shopping for a cement mixer in his local Tesco said: 'No good asking me. I wouldn't know what a clue was if one wearing a t-shirt saying - hello, I'm a clue - bit me on the arse.'

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