Planet just cleansing itself like a 500 degree self-cleaning oven

The Earth is going through a phase where it is ridding itself of unsightly stains and spillages.

'I've been eyeing up the other planets, and they're all like cool and trendy looking,' said Earth. None of them have to put up with yukky oil slicks, toxic waste and climate change deniers smeared all over them.

'So I got this idea from wankers who make and buy self-cleaning ovens. At first I thought you probably just pop in a special tablet and those types of ovens would cleanse themselves like a dishwasher or something. But when I looked it up, it turns out that they're designed to heat to 500 degrees and scorch any smeggy bits out of existence.

'What a squandering, lazy waste of energy. But hey, if the rich just do it without a second thought or any consideration for the consequences, then....

'Next I want to get some sexy rings like that gorgeous Saturn. It means getting The Moon to explode into tiny little pieces, but I'll just get some large comet in to do that. Where I'm going, you don't need tides.'

Image: Newsbiscuit

I don't believe in climate modelling, says Lord Chill, and nobody can explain it

Rising temperatures are 'likely to be beneficial' for Britain as more people die of cold than heat in this country, a Tory peer called Lord Chill has said.

Speaking during a debate on the level of Government preparation for the impacts that climate change will have on health, the economy, food security and the environment, the Tory peer said: 'We have all too little debate on climate change. After all nobody has ever explained it to me. At least, not so I understand it.'

'Will I have to change my name? Will it be a hot girl summer?'

'It’s all the more important that we have it now since critics who don't know what this policy is for, or have gotten the wrong end of the stick, find it increasingly difficult to get a hearing in the media.'

Lord Chill said: 'Digging deeper, what are those consequences of the hotter, warmer summers and warmer, wetter winters? I'm not very technical, but I have never heard a proper explanation of this problem. For example, how can financial predictions be so far off but climate is supposed to be predictable, as if its science or something, but what even is that anyway? I haven't looked into because I find that sort of thing hard. Nobody has ever been able to give me a simple explanation without boring me by talking for more than 30 seconds'

'Oooh, a shiny button!'

Image: Comstock Images Photos | FreeImages

More Brits inconvenienced by Greeks having homes destroyed

British holidaymakers in Corfu are the latest to have a less than idyllic experience as wildfires rip through the Islanders’ houses, farms and olive groves. Some Brits were inconsolable having lost three days of a fortnight’s vacation while locals lost their livelihoods.

The fires on Corfu follow those on the neighbouring island of Rhodes that is only about 700 miles away. There, some British people were forced to move to temporary accommodation, described as ‘a living nightmare’ by Terry Hobbs of Basingstoke.

‘These fires that have devastated mountain villages and destroyed local communities have ruined my family holiday’ he said. ‘Here I can’t even get a pint of Carling and a Full English first thing in the morning’.

Image: Free photo Yellow Heat Bonfire Fire Power Energy Hot Burn - Max Pixel