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Climate activists applaud Trump



Climate change activists are applauding Trump for the tariffs he has imposed on imports to the US.


Activists have previously rounded criticised Donald Trump for scrapping green initiatives, promising to ‘drill, baby, drill’ for oil, and for refusing to accept that extreme weather is caused by climate change.  So why the change?


Climate activists are thrilled because steep tariffs on imports, especially from China and Asia, will reduce the import of fast fashion and cheap tat.   This in turn will reduce carbon emissions and global warming.


Economists estimate that global shipping will fall by between 11.456% and 14.232% and that global air freight will fall by exactly 12.232%.  Climate experts estimate that the resulting reduction in carbon dioxide emissions will be so great that America will be easily meeting its obligations under the Paris Agreement – if only it was still a member.


‘That is a massive drop in global Carbon Dioxide emission,’ said one expert.


‘Don’t tell Trump.’



Frozen pensioners to be cryogenically preserved



The government has offered new hope to elderly people found dead in their Arctically-heated flats. Labour promises to keep them frozen until such time as they can be revived and resume their lives in a world where climate change has made winter a thing of the past.


'Pensioners should see this as an opportunity. Many are living in conditions ideal for sub-zero preservation', says a government spokesperson. 'From there they can be moved to a cryogenic storage facility to free up space for new tenants'. People going blue with the cold can take comfort in the fact that it could be the first step to a new life in the 22nd century.


However, Tory critics are acccusing the government of 'stockpiling future Labour voters' at taxpayers' expense. Meanwhile, Jacob Rees-Mogg opposes the measure: 'I know what it's like to wake up in the wrong century and I wouldn't wish it on anybody'.


Image: WixAI

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