F*ck Off Gabriel! Cliff Richard song divides fans and critics

The race for this year’s Christmas number one has taken a surprising turn as veteran rock n’ roller Cliff Richard released F*ck off Gabriel, a catchy yuletide celebration of sacrilegious expletives. His long-awaited single has entered the charts at No3. Cliff has 327 Christmas number ones under his belt and is the only rock n’ roller to have a hit in every decade since the English civil war of 1642.

In a radical departure from sentimental schmaltz, Cliff’s latest offering has elements of old-school punk and new wave Ska, leaving some fans bitterly disappointed. Hundreds have resigned from his fan club in protest, although a spokesman for Cliff said they could all fuck off and die as far as he was concerned.

Among the controversial lyrics is a repeating chorus that could see him banned from Radio 2.

‘Pull a sexy cracker and wear a party hat,

Face-down in your dinner plate and vomit on the cat.

Free Palestine, yeah, yeah, yeah! (x4)’

Top of the Pops have agreed to let him perform if he promises to stop spitting at people. Loyal fans have their fingers crossed for another smash hit.

The only time he hasn’t had a number one was in 2014 when he was kept from the top spot by The Police.

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'Primary source of fog still Bonnie Tyler pop video from the 1980s' confirms Met Office

Leading meteorologists based in the UK have traced the source of all global fog to a pop video made in 1985. 'Total Eclipse of the Heart is the reason why we have mists rolling in from the sea and why it's always a pea souper on bonfire night,' explained bright-eyed weather guru Tomasz Schafernaker. The only thing we still can't explain is what's going on with those illuminated peepers at the end of the video.

'Many people wrongly believe it was due to an appearance on Top of the Pops by Cliff Richard, when Cliff gradually became shrouded until we couldn't see him anymore. But that was a one-off event in a BBC controlled environment and played out precisely as intended. So it does not explain those weird pictures of San Francisco Bay where all you can see are the top bits of the Golden Gate Bridge.

'That is caused by the fog created for the Take My Breath Away video in 1986, which was so bad that it affected Midge Ure when he visited Vienna 6 years earlier. You might be interested to learn that this is not the only case of Berlin invading the Austro-Hungarian region.

'If the fog sometimes seems a bit yellow to you, then it's not pollution. That's just David Dickinson's fake tan escaping into the atmosphere in a perfectly natural way.'

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