From the Newsbiscuit archives: the 1960s and '70s

1962: Thaw in East-West relations as Kennedy and Khrushchev bond over amazing 'Cuban Missile Armageddon' video game.

1966: Referee Neville Chamberlain disallows Geoff Hurst goal against Germany for sake of 'peace in our time'.

1966: Colour television introduced. Couch potatoes discover existence of red, green, blue.

1967: Six-Day War. Israeli soldiers go on strike for five-day wars.

1967: Summer of love and drugs. Mary Whitehouse warns latest Cliff Richard song 'written under influence of Nurofen'.

1969: Festival of Drugs, Mud and STDs a surprise success when rebranded as 'Woodstock'.

1969: 'One giant f*ckup for mankind', says Neil Armstrong as he lands on Mars by mistake.

1973: Queues of panicking customers form outside sex shops as baby-oil crisis kicks in.

1973: 'Britannia caduca est!' wails four-year-old Jacob Rees-Mogg on hearing Britain has joined EEC.

1977: King of Rock and Roll hires 300-pound Elvis impersonator to die and be buried in his place.

Image by PublicDomainPictures from Pixabay

Asylum seekers to be sent to Rwanda on Santa's sleigh

The UK government plans to commandeer Santa’s sleigh to send asylum seekers to Rwanda. In a shock move, Rishi Sunak said he was fed up with all the dithering surrounding his flagship policy and that the time had come for serious action.

'I’m dreaming of a flight Christmas,' the prime minister was reported to have told reporters at a press conference in Winter Wonderland.

'Do they know it’s Christmas? They will do when they’re sitting on Santa’s sledge. Santa Claus is coming to Kigali – it’s a case of "Jingle Cells".'

The idea for the so-called Santa-Rwanda clause is thought to have come up when Cabinet members swapped their annual Secret Suella gifts at a meeting last week. It’s not known exactly how the sleigh will be snatched, though sources at the Ministry of Defence said an SAS unit has been put on stand-by.

A spokesman for the Migrants Are Cool campaign group said not only was it inhumane to cram asylum seekers on to a small sledge, but the planned move would wreck Christmas.

'If this goes ahead, millions of children will wake up with nothing in their stockings. That’s almost as bad as having to listen to a Mistletoe and Wine/Saviour's Day/Millennium Prayer Cliff Richard megamix.'

Image: Newsbiscuit

One famous Palestinian not very happy about what’s being done on his birthday

Remarked the renowned carpenter's apprentice: 'I was hoping for the usual frankincense and Lynx Africa deodorant set. Instead, I got the IDF kicking in the stable door and shooting the wise men in the head. It’s been a month without clean water – and not a Brussel sprout in sight.'

'Normally the worst thing about having your Birthday at Xmas is that you get half the number of presents. Now the worst thing is that there are no children left alive to act out the Nativity. And I was hoping for a white Christmas and all I got was white phosphorus.'

'Easter always used to depress me, because of you know what, but now they’ve ruined Christmas – even more than Cliff Richard. Everyone wants Peace on Earth... except in Gaza it seems.'

Image: Simone Dinoia (@erraticframe) | Unsplash Photo Community