Labour to set up mugging squads to boost public finances

"Some people may object to having their cash confiscated at knife point," said a masked Treasury spokes-robber in a public information broadcast, "but you all want better public services without paying any more tax, so you've left this Labour government with very little choice about how to balance the books.

"Starting from midnight tonight, specially-trained civil servants will be lurking in alleyways throughout the UK, armed with Stanley knives and wearing balaclavas, to snatch supplementary taxes from random passers-by.

"The biggest challenge we had was to teach these paper-pushers to scarper with the loot rather than ask their victims to fill out financial release forms in triplicate.

"You are forbidden to resist being mugged by His Majesty's Tax Assailants, or let your dog bite them on the backside.

"You may consider this an inhumane way for Labour to levy extra revenue, but we say it's social justice in action. People rich enough to walk around with money in their pockets will have to hand it over. The stony broke will be exempt.

"And don't forget that proceeds from this imaginative scheme will go to the NHS - which some of you will be needing after we've mugged you.

"Besides, how can you stop us?" sneered the spokes-Starmerist. "We're in charge for the next five years and we'll do whatever we like to you."

image from pixabay

Esther McVey: 'Civil servants may only wear black, the colour of my soul'

Minister for Common Sense and No Mucking Abaaaaaht Esther McVey has got involved with what colours civil servants can wear - both on their work lanyards and in their own private lives.

Tory intern Henry Hootington-Hurst said 'We don't want civil servants to have consciences, that would be a disaster. Civil servants have to implement government policy, so we want dead-eyed automatons, whose only joy is inflicting as much avoidable suffering as possible. Like Esther McVey.'

'We must know if civil servants' pants could be carrying political messages. Or if 7 civil servants all wore shirts in the colours of the rainbow, they wouldn't be allowed to stand in a row.'

Civil servant Eleanor Evans said 'McVey wants to ban pointless, political job creation schemes? What, like having a Minister for Common Sense?' 

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Civil service 'seriously considered' telling Queen that bears defecate in woods

Senior civil servants 'seriously considered' telling the Queen that bears sh*t in the woods and that the Pope is a Catholic, according to the BBC's Laura Kuennsberg.

Furthermore, says Kuennsberg, they seriously considered telling her that Boris Johnson was behaving in office like a gallivanting elephant out of its head on amphetimines.

'There would have been no other way for Her Majesty to have known how disgracefully irresponsible and chaotic her prime minister was,' continued Kuennsberg.

'Apart from by opening a newspaper, watching the telly, listening to the radio or speaking to any other human being in Britain during the time that Boris was in Downing Street.

'Or by meeting him, I suppose,' added Kuennsberg.

'Two minutes in Johnson's company would have told her everything about this reckless, blundering oaf that she'd ever have needed to know.'