World still unclear on what French have against grand pianos

Following a third sports related ceremony in Paris this summer, the big question the world is asking is what will the French do to grand pianos in the Paralympic closing ceremony?

General appreciator of ceremonial activities, Jasmine Wade, said, 'In the Olympic opening ceremony they left a few out in the bucketing rain, and then they set fire to one. In the closing ceremony, they hoisted one up vertically like Wile E Coyote was expecting Roadrunner any moment, while forcing some poor pianist to play it at a cringeworthy angle and unsuitable height. Are ACME Inc. benefiting from this in some way?

'In the opening ceremony for the Paralympics they had lots of sweaty dancers wiping their genitals all over the lids of a good dozen or so, and then some were jumping up and down on them and stomping their feet on the keys. You gotta have some real beef with these fine instruments to engage in that level of disrespect.

'My real concern is what they've got lined up for the Paralympics finale. Some sort of synchronised trebucheting of grand pianos while flamethrowing flutes light them up and trombones fire laser guided exploding maracas at them? Actually, I would watch and enjoy that. But I wouldn't know why.'

Ed Davey joins Cirque du Soleil

Liberal Democrat leader Sir Ed Davey, after an election campaign that was characterised throughout by attention-grabbing physical stunts, announced today he's decided to join noted circus troupe Cirque du Soleil.

The troupe are known for their spectacular shows, often in Las Vegas, featuring astonishing acrobatic feats. It's thought Sir Ed has been practising descending from the ceiling wrapped in a huge ribbon which gradually unwinds, the troupe's signature move, though he will no doubt learn other routines once he's a member.

Photo by K. Mitch Hodge on Unsplash