Reform plans to scrap films with subtitles

Reform UK has announced it would abolish foreign films with subtitles, especially Welsh, if the party wins the next election.

Under the plans, films would only be shown if they can easily understood by the majority English speaking community. Foreign films would need to apply for a license; would only be shown in specialist cinemas; and would have new censor rating of 'F'. Reform has also said it plans to bar any British citizens from accessing the subtitled films with a view to phasing out Welsh and other indigenous languages, as early as possible. The party claims their plans would increase Britishness and adherence to British values by over 200%.

Chancellor Rachel Reeves said the suggested measures 'might be a good or a bad idea' and the government were already looking at restricting access for Foreign films, or allowing everyone access to everything.

Image: Myke Simon (@myke_simon) | Unsplash Photo Community

Liam Neeson to remake Schindler’s List in Frank Drebin persona

Having proved his talent for deadpan comedy in the recent Naked Gun remake, Liam Neeson has said he would be interested in remaking his most famous film, Schindler's List, in a similar style.

A leaked early draft of the script opens with a scene in which senior Nazis gather at Wannsee near Berlin to discuss the details of the 'final solution'. Suddenly, the man serving them tea pulls off a mask and reveals himself to be Oskar Schindler, who promptly beats them all up, revealing an unexpected orange Mohican underneath Himmler's SS helmet.

His identity exposed, he decides instead to impersonate Italian diplomat Enrico Palazzo. While meeting Hitler in this disguise at the Reich Chancellery, he ends up stabbing the Japanese fighting fish presented to Hitler by Emperor Hirohito with the priceless samurai pen he also gave him.

Returning to Hitler's office that night, he attempts to search it without leaving any trace of his presence, but instead ends up destroying countless valuable looted works of art and setting the office on fire, accompanied by a comedy piano soundtrack.

Throughout the film his sidekick Goldberg keeps getting into all sorts of scrapes, at one point accidentally getting on a train heading east into Poland, though the film never quite explains what happens to him after that.

The final scene takes place at the 1936 Munich Olympics, where Schindler disguises himself as an umpire to get close enough to Hitler to assassinate him. When a friend recognises him and says he can't seriously expect to get away with it, he replies 'I am serious. And don't call me Schindler.'

Image: Wix AI was used in the making of this image

Wes Anderson “releasing same movie every time”

It was admitted today, even by his most ardent fans, that Wes Anderson has been rereleasing the same movie over and over again for his whole career.

“It started as a genuine mistake with my second movie, Rushmore. Somehow the studio accidentally sent out a print of Bottle Rocket, a movie I’d made a couple of years before. I was bracing myself for complaints, but in fact all the reviews were very positive, commenting on the visual style which they said was fast becoming a Wes Anderson trademark.

“It got me wondering how far I could push this, so a few years later I released it again as The Royal Tenenbaums. Again, raves across the board, especially for my ‘distinctive visual aesthetic’. I mean, didn’t anyone notice the actors and the script were exactly the same?

“What really makes me laugh is when they talk about how more and more famous actors appear in my movies these days, even in tiny roles, which they think shows how everyone wants to work with me. They’re the same damn actors! They just weren’t famous in the 90s when I started out.”

Critic and long time Wes Anderson groupie Mark Kermit wasn’t at all embarrassed by the revelation, saying if anything it made him feel better about having written the same gushing review every time.

image from pixabay