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Writer's picturestewartbarclay
Dec 4, 2021

Downing Street Christmas party this year to be ‘absolute rager’


Following complaints that the 2020 Downing Street Christmas party atmosphere was a bit down, organisers have promised that 2021’s will be a ‘mad one’ needing a ‘totally docile press’ to avoid scandals.


Tory intern Henry Hootington-Hurst said ‘The theme last year was “F*ck the Plebs” but that got people down because it made us think about the plebs. This year, Therese Coffey is bringing extra mistletoe and promised to grind on Jacob Rees-Mogg until his nanny intervenes. Sajid Javid is bringing all his friends, which may backfire if none turn up. Michael Gove has promised more E than Easy-E’s Scrabble set. The PM did say to “follow Covid rules” – his air quotes not mine – but then he winked, rubbed his thighs and demanded a hot totty with some hot toddy.’






Writer's pictureSteveb
Dec 4, 2021

'Merry Christmas' to be replaced with 'Yippee-ki-yay, motherf*cker'


In line with WTO rules, seasonal greetings like 'Seasonal Greetings' will be replaced with more common Yuletide language appropriate for the contemporary era. All mentions of 'Merry Christmas' must be overwritten with 'Yippee-ki-yay, motherf*cker', as this is now the more acceptable form of Yule wish.


'The classical masterpiece work 'Die Hard' is the global benchmark for all things Christmas,' explained festive season etiquette expert Joseph Takagi, father of five. 'Knobbing a work colleague on a fur rug in front of a log fire with a mulled wine and an aged Brie is only for cowardly members of the community who are of poor character. The more heroic way of proceeding is to write, 'Ho-Ho-Ho, now I have a machine gun' on a dead German, and send him to the 30th floor of a tall building as a surprise gift. Lashing an entire bag of C4 explosives to a computer monitor on an office chair and propelling it down a lift shaft is also acceptable.'


'If hosting your own celebration, the custom now is to greet approaching guests by shouting, 'Welcome to the party, pal' through a smashed window while wearing a sweaty vest.


'For the more discerning attendee, however, one should seek tailored Christmas costumes from John Phillips, London - it's where Arafat got his.


'To entertain young children, classic seasonal verse should be quoted to them. My personal favourite is, 'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house not a creature was stirring, except for the four assholes coming in the rear in standard two-by-two formation.'


'Take any opportunity to work in the line, 'When Alexander saw the breadth of his domain he wept, for there were no more worlds to conquer,' as this demonstrates the benefits of a classical education.


'And, of course, Don't forget to call your closest friend, and wish him well for the festive season by groaning the words, 'Actually, I'm feeling pretty damn unappreciated, Al.'


'If you find yourself fortunate enough to be abroad for the holidays, why not show gratitude towards your hosts by yelling, 'Schiess dem fenster'. Twice. A lovely gesture which translates as 'shit on the windows'.


'And any encounter of the written phrase 'Merry XXmas' must receive the immediate response of a shrug of the shoulders and the words, 'I don't know, something about a double-cross?'


MAKE FISTS WITH YOUR TOES.






Writer's pictureNewsBiscuit
Nov 28, 2021

Jacob Rees-Mogg to spend 12th Xmas in succession trying to get lid off chutney jar

Updated: Jan 3, 2022



Leader of The House of Commons, Jacob Rees-Mogg, is set to spend his 12th successive Christmas struggling to get the lid off a jar of chilli and onion chutney that his wife bought in 2007 to go with the cold meat and mashed potatoes on Boxing Day.


A Westminster source has revealed that Rees-Mogg has tried everything to remove the lid, including; tapping the edge with a knife, wrenching it off using Mole Grips, wedging it in a door jamb, and using a Stilsens pipe wrench to twist the cap free.


"Jacob has very weak wrists', the source reveals. "He always struggled to get the lids off of his bottles of pop at Eton and used to ask one of the smaller boys to do it for him.


"He's a persistent chap though and once spent an entire day trying to flush the lavatory in The Commons after they'd had new press down handle cisterns installed.


"Eventually, he gave up and asked the then Shadow Home Secretary, Dianne Abbot, to do it for him.


"However, she had little luck herself, and after repeated flushings, still failed to dislodge a stubborn 'submarine' that he'd left submerged on the bottom"


Rees-Mogg angrily denied the rumours last night, pointing to the fact that he regularly pumps up the tyres on his penny-farthing bicycle and once 'made the Queens eyes water' with the firmness of his grip as he took her hand before kissing it during his controversial request to prorogue Parliament in August last year.


However, Rees-Mogg's wife, Helena, confirmed the chutney story last night when she told newsmen: "I'm afraid I can't deny the fact that Jacob's been struggling with that jar.


"It's become a bit of a family joke down the years, to be honest with you.


"For you see, nobody's got the heart to tell him he's been turning it the wrong way"







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