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Writer's picturestewartbarclay
Dec 17, 2021

Russia: ‘We’ve been invited to a Christmas Party in Kiev’


An increasing number of innocently whistling Russian troops are now stationed on the border with Ukraine. Russian government sources insist they are planning an invasion themed Christmas party and not an actual invasion.


A Russian army spokes-bear said ‘Don’t worry, it’s all socially distanced. Our 100,000 troops plus our tanks, artillery and snipers are all 2 metres from the border. We’re not 10 Downing Street and if Boris Johnson says invading Ukraine is a red line, he must be talking about Michael Gove cutting his cocaine with cranberry sauce. It’s surprisingly festive. Plus if his name is Boris, he probably works for us, know what I mean? Anyway, this will all be over by Christmas, so enjoy your gas supplies – for now.’






Writer's pictureGuest Author
Dec 13, 2021

Care Home Resident admits to solo xmas party whilst in lockdown


A pensioner from Solihull has admitted to partying alone in her room at the Sunnyside Care Facility on Xmas Day 2020, despite the government's ban on one person gatherings at the time.


A 'whistleblower' staff member reported that he observed Rosemary Orb, a 96 year-old Grandmother of twelve, opening a tin of salmon and sipping creme de menthe during the routine visual check conducted through the keyhole of her studio room at 10am.


He returned later that evening to witness her half-watching 'Michael McIntyre, Live At The Apollo' whilst reading cracker jokes to herself. CCTV footage recovered is also believed to show her briefly chatting to one of her four daughters on her Nokia 3310, although this has been denied by her family, who remained in the safety of their bubble of thirty in a nearby street.


The frail, former civil servant was in tears as BBC Midlands reporter Katie Way interviewed her through the triple-glazed window overlooking the local bus-stop. "I'm just really sorry I've been such a burden" she blubbed. "I just wish I wasn't here any longer and that my money could be divided between my lovely grand-children"


Old people in the UK are kept alone at Xmas, because they risk spoiling everything for everyone else with their propensity to catch COVID, when everyone is too drunk to drive them to hospital. They also repeat themselves and insist on watching the Queen's Speech at 3pm as they are convinced that it is being broadcast in real time.






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