Conditum Paradoxum

Ho ho... NO!

Beverage giant, Coca Cola, has been slammed by a hapless Hertfordshire small businessman over a UK version of its Christmas advert featuring a convoy of twenty-five articulated lorries making a seasonal delivery of its iconic brand.

Trevor Oldroyd, owner of Trev's Minimarket in Watford said: 'It was lovely at first when I was chosen for the new ad. When the film crew set up all the Christmas lights and decorations outside the shop it looked really fantastic.

’Especially when the the snow machine was switched on, but when the choir started singing "holidays are coming, holidays are coming" and those lorries arrived and offloaded four hundred pallets of Coke it was total chaos. The cops had to close the road, and the council shut down my shop.

'I've now been issued with a summons for causing an illegal obstruction and breach of the peace. The cost of it all is going to put me out of business. Merry Christmas, Coca Cola? Merry Christmas my fucking arse.'

Photo by Tim Mossholder on Unsplash

Shopping centres to harness energy loss from Xmas shoppers

Shopping centres across the UK are set to capitalise on the huge energy loss that most people experience as soon as they step foot on their premises during the Christmas period, it has been confirmed.

It is thought that billions of kilojoules of energy are currently wasted every single day in December, as thousands of people exhale loudly, start cursing and totally lose the will to live, the minute they enter a crowded indoor shopping centre.

‘As soon as I see the dreary parade of Officers’ Club, The Works, and Perfume Club stores, plus that calendar shop that magically appears on December 1st in every shopping precinct across the sodding country, every ounce of energy instantaneously drains from my body’, said a weary Mike McBride, sat forlornly on a bench outside a rammed ‘Vape Express’ shop. ‘I can’t do it. I can’t walk another step’.

‘When I see the crowds wandering aimlessly without any hope around Primark, I just want the world to end. And that frankly piss-poor attempt at a Christmas window display in Rymans is enough to push anyone over the edge’, continued McBride.

‘And no, I am not thinking of changing my bloody broadband provider before you ask’, growled McBride to a bemused Sky salesman wearing a Santa hat at a pop up stand.

‘It’s actually a well-known scientific phenomenon’ said Mark Da Costa, Professor of retailing at the University of Lunn (formerly Lunn Poly). ‘A rapid loss of energy after encountering an uninspiring, overpriced, garishly decorated retail unit’.

‘We call it the WHSmith effect’.

‘The energy expelled could be used to power a small town’ continued Professor Da Costa. ‘Or another 3 soulless shopping precincts’.

Photo by Heidi Fin on Unsplash