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Dear Heavenly Beings and Sales Team,
I hope we can avoid some of the issues we had with last year's exuberant and spirited (no pun intended) gathering. We can all agree we had one Hell of a time – and that, I think, is part of the problem. I fear, in the aftermath of all that merrymaking, we may have broken one or two commandments. Remember...
1. Thou shalt be patient: I know 40 years is a long time to wait for nibbles, but I do not appreciate Moses heckling the kitchen staff.
2. Thou shalt avoid inappropriate comments: Asking Jesus when his birthday is, is not funny. And is not funny the twentieth time.
3. Thou shalt not steal office supplies: It took a dozen knights to find the pilfered Holy Grail. And I like a joke as much as the next man, but where have you put the Holy Ghost?
4. Thou shalt maintain confidentiality: If someone confesses their sins, even after a dozen pints, that does not give you the right to scrawl it on a toilet walls. I'm looking at you, Peter.
5. Thou shalt refrain from excessive revelry: We are now out of Altar wine and have been forced to use the Sacramental Cider.
6. Thou shalt not engage in workplace relationships: I know Mary was 14, but that does not give you the right to chase the cherubs.
7. Thou shalt enjoy the Quiz: But I do not appreciate the team name – 'Quiz on God's T$ts'
8. Thou shalt wear a festive jumper: I know, it's technically Satan's invention, but let's just power through, okay?
9. Thou shalt not ruin Secret Santa. By telling everyone who St. Nick is. Please.
10. Thou shalt be dignified: Not all souls need to be ar-souls.
Thank you for your attention and cooperation.
Sincerely,
God
cc Buddha
Picture credit: Wix AI
There is one solitary mince pie left in the box in kitchen cupboards this week. The box was moved from the kitchen counter top to inside the cupboard in early January during a brief kitchen tidy up and resolution to eat less pastry, bread and potatoes which lasted half a day but felt longer.
The mince pie’s packetmates were eaten at the start of the year, often accompanied by the last of the Christmas cream or some brandy butter. Now languishing fruitily and feeling only a mild hope when the cupboard door opens, the pie is very aware that it has a use by date of January twenty-seventh. It is kept company by a packet of dried yeast from a bread making phase.
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