Elon Musk has asked all US government employees (except the ones already on gardening leave) to list their accomplishments, or face the sack.
In an unusual act of reciprocity, Elon's office has set out his recent achievements, which are as follows:
 • I got my dad to lend me million dollars to start a company - how many of you have done that, huh?
 • I won a chainsaw from Argentina.
 • I got everyone’s personal data from US government records – useful for the X algorithms
 • I’m supporting far right parties in Europe, although I can’t remember why
 • I blew up a number of SpaceX rockets to distract attention away from Jeff Bezos
 • I’m working to save Twitter, by wrecking TikTok
 • I will have a successful car company, if I can get tariffs imposed on my Chinese competitors
 • I’m in good with Donald, which gets me favourable treatment on lots of things
 • I’m promoting free speech on X, especially mine
Picture credit: Wix AI
