Chinese national trying to improperly influence politicians' claims corrupt UK government

A Chinese woman resident in the UK has been trying to improperly influence parliamentarians according to an interference warning issued by government.

'What she has been doing is unacceptable,' said a Downing Street source. 'She has followed all of the correct procedures and acted completely appropriately at all times, and that's just not the way we do things around here.'

'What she should have done is conducted herself in a shady, underhand manner and attempted to influence politicians in corrupt ways. She would have been much more successful if she had bribed us or thrown some sort of illegal party.'

Image: Pixabay/sarahlarkin

Chinese Spy Ring infiltrated by useless MPs

The UK government had been forced to deny the charge, that Beijing espionage has been disrupted by Barry Gardiner completely failing to influence events or wield any kind of power.

A Beijing spokeswoman said: ‘It soon became apparent that not one of these idiot MPs knew any secrets worth a damn. We’ve squandered millions in bribes, only to discover that your average UK politician has all the pull of a toddler on a tug of war team’.

Image: Pixabay/Mary_R_Smith

Chinese tennis player Feng Shui found safe & well rearranging her living room furniture

The world of tennis was relieved today after the Chinese women's number one and world number four hundred and seven tennis player was found alive and well.

Feng Shui has signed a written confession that she needed to move her sofa into a more balanced position and at a diagonal to her hi-fi unit.

"It's critical that I get the essential components of my life into alignment. The energy map of my house was being disrupted by unwanted attention from a senior communist party leader."

Supreme leader President Xi Jinping was delighted the mystery of Feng Shui's disappearance had been solved. However, he cautioned against the wisdom of allowing women to hit small white balls over nets for large amounts of money when they should be driving tractors and tilling fields.

"It runs the risk of this attractive young woman earning almost as much as me. As a result, she will be attending a re-education centre for three years. Being a forward-thinking democracy, we've agreed to her demands to have a more balanced position in her life, so we're only going to hang her upside down three days a week.

image from pixabay

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