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Elon Musk has asked all US government employees (except the ones already on gardening leave) to list their accomplishments, or face the sack.
In an unusual act of reciprocity, Elon's office has set out his recent achievements, which are as follows:
 • I got my dad to lend me million dollars to start a company - how many of you have done that, huh?
 • I won a chainsaw from Argentina.
 • I got everyone’s personal data from US government records – useful for the X algorithms
 • I’m supporting far right parties in Europe, although I can’t remember why
 • I blew up a number of SpaceX rockets to distract attention away from Jeff Bezos
 • I’m working to save Twitter, by wrecking TikTok
 • I will have a successful car company, if I can get tariffs imposed on my Chinese competitors
 • I’m in good with Donald, which gets me favourable treatment on lots of things
 • I’m promoting free speech on X, especially mine
Picture credit: Wix AI
The 47th president has threatened the renegade territory, whose sovereignty is a grey area, with the full might of American invasive techniques, honed over multiple movie-inspiring wars, unless it does something to stop him. 'Love Island is prime property that could fall into the hands of the Crink powers lest the commander in chief moves TODAY,' said a White House insider. Crink stands for China, Russia, Iran, North Korea, and the incessant need to acronymize.
In recent weeks, Trump has stepped up his whispering campaign of possible annexations of plum-located nation territories with piddling militaries, such as Canada, Greenland, Panama, and Great Britain. With the Gulf of Mexico being renamed The Gulf of America and traditional military headwear being replaced with reinforced MAGA caps, supporters think the time is ripe to snatch the island from under the noses of grasping yellow hands.
'America needs to control Love Island to ensure international security,' said the insider. The island is a black hole for diplomacy, and has seen scores of transient relationships fall by the wayside. It is also a monarchy whose current head, Burger King, has exerted power with nothing like the full understanding of Peter Thiel's constant frown.
Meanwhile there are fears that with the world's attention firmly focused on the various threats put about by Trump solely to secure leverage and wholly unlikely to be acted upon, China will roll over Taiwan this spring, kickstarting the kind of world war only banks survive. 'My belief,' said one analyst, 'is that Love Island is at a unique geographical vulnerability, being the shallowest island on Earth.'
Image: WixAI
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