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Following concerns that children's attention span since Covid is shorter than ever, the government has asked teachers to measure it.
Teachers are of the opinion it should be measured in Thick Planck Time, but the government believes zeptoseconds will be adequate as the Tory party doesn't have a donor that flogs equipment that measures Thick Planck Time. A pub landlord however, reckons he knows someone who talked to him about zeptoseconds and would be able to supply every primary school with zeptosecond chronometers.
One zeptosecond is 0.000 000 000 000 000 000 001 seconds. The chronometers do not work and the money is long gone.
Each year, there are reports of 100,000 missing children. This staggering figure may come as a shock to many of us who can only recall a few names and faces. However, this is no coincidence. Media organizations tend to be selective in which cases they feature, often giving more attention to photogenic victims in order to capture public interest.
This leaves camera-challenged youngsters at a stark disadvantage. A spokesperson from the Centre for Missing and Exploited Children commented on this imbalance, stating: “We have to be discerning when it comes to choosing which pictures we get out there. Journalists are looking for chiclet smiles, dimples, a face that tugs at the heartstrings. No-one wants to be looking at an ugly child over breakfast.”
Enter Soymil, a plant-based beverage manufacturer with a revolutionary idea to balance the disparity of media exposure for missing children. “If our customers can stomach soya milk then they can stomach the fugly kids,” the company’s brand manager tells us. “It’s unlikely that these uggos have been kidnapped by paedophiles—unless they have really off-beat predilections—but they might still be in trouble.”
Concerned parents Abigail and Oliver Taylor were the first to be selected for the campaign. “Knowing that there are people out there still looking for our Timmy warms my heart,” Mrs. Taylor says, her eyes welling with tears of gratitude. “Our local newspaper didn’t want to run the story on account of Timmy’s homeliness. It was so frustrating; he’s such a distinctive-looking boy, if you saw his face, you wouldn’t forget it.”
“We were sure Timmy was being held ransom at first,” Mr. Taylor interjects, his arm wrapped tightly around his wife’s shoulder. “I wondered if the kidnapper thought we were rich or something. When days passed and we heard nothing, my mind started to wander to dark places. I wondered if organ harvesters had taken him—the doctors said that they’d never seen a spleen like his before—or that he’d been snatched by an opportunistic sideshow ringleader. His hunch has always drawn a lot of unwanted attention. I’m kept awake at night with thoughts of him being pelted with rotten fruit by jeering townspeople.”
image from pixabay
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