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Schrodinger's Queen is both dead and alive



Rumours persist that the death of the Monarch is being concealed - at least until the next slow news day. These whispers have been exasperated by sightings of Prince Charles, laughing maniacally in a new frock.

The press has noted panic buying of black armbands and corgi shaped floral bouquets. The Prime Minister, himself, is said to have already block-booked all available slots of 'two minutes of silence.'

A palace spokeswoman confirmed: 'The Queen was seen alive and well at a local Pizza Express.'



First published 24 Feb 2022



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Bah, humbug! A glimpse into the future... A Carolean Christmas



"Greetings, dear reader. I am the Ghost of Christmas Future. Come with me on a short journey, to our first Carolean Christmas…


"‘Tis Christmas Eve. Scrooge Kwarteng sits in his office, enjoying a postprandial brandy and cigar. Above a roaring fire, the mantelpiece is filled with Christmas cards from his rich friends. No wonder, for Scrooge’s tax cuts have made them much richer this year.


"Across the land, shops are filled with people, but most are not there to buy festive food and gifts, for they have nothing to spend. They are there for warmth, as these are Hard Times, and only the rich can afford to heat their homes. Those lucky enough to have a few coins loiter near the fresh food, hoping to grab some yellow stickered items before the shops close. Among these is Roberta Cratchit, a hard-working nurse. She hopes her salary will stretch to a few items from the supermarket’s Pauper Range, so her family need not go hungry on Christmas Day. Roberta wishes she could afford a Christmas present for her sick son, Tiny Tom. Malnutrition has given Tom rickets and anaemia, but the NHS is underfunded, and Tom can’t get a GP appointment, never mind the hospital treatment he needs.


"The queue from a nearby food bank stretches for miles, but there is not enough food to go round, as few can afford to donate during this cost of living crisis. Angry murmurings are heard as two TV presenters dodge the queue, but Holly and Phil have media passes, so the rules of common decency do not apply to them.


"The surrounding streets are lined with makeshift tents, occupied by those who can no longer afford a roof over their heads. A police constable passes by – a rare sight in these times of government cutbacks. The tents should not be there, but he does not have the heart to move these people on. He will soon join this illegal campsite himself, for his salary is no longer enough for the basic necessities of life.


"Yet Scrooge Kwarteng does not care about any of this, as he sits by his fireside. Wait - who the Dickens is this spectral figure, entering Scrooge’s office? Is it the Ghost of Christmas Past? No, it is Jacob Rees-Mogg, joining Scrooge for brandy and cigars, before Nanny puts him to bed.


"It is the worst of times… it is the worst of times."


Charles III going straight to cable



Expectations are low for the sequel to the sequel of Charles. The Newsbiscuit Culture Editor explains: “Look, Charles 1 was your classic, ballsy action movie, plenty of war scenes and an ending like Brave Heart. Definitely one to please the crowds, or at least anyone not dead by the end of it.


Charles 2 was not quite as ambitious plot-wise but defied the usual problem of sequels being a let-down, by adding a strong romantic aspect. I mean Chuck 2 had it Going On… was it 12 illegitimate kids by the curtain? Most viewers gave up counting half way through.


So what can Charles 3 bring to this franchise? At this stage, none of the above. It’s going to have to be something completely different. A man with three buttocks? He’s got some big underpants to fill.”


image from pixabay

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