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Channel 4 goes to its room and refuses to come out



In a fit of pique, Channel 4 has stomped off to its room and is refusing to come out for the next four years. Distraught at the US Election result the channel has refused to listen to any and all appeals for it to come back and play.


“It’s not fair. It’s just not fair!” could be heard as it rejected all entreaties. BBC1 admitted it did its best, but feeling pretty low itself gave up and headed for the nearest wine bar.


A spokesperson reassured fans of the channel that it would be back. “I’m sure we can entice it out if we promise to change our daytime favourite show to Countdown To Doomsday.”



Dodgy guys tricked into going to desert island

Following Philip Scofield’s decision to take part in a reality show, in which we watch him struggle to survive on a desert island, there are reports that a number of other alleged dodgy guys have followed suit.


So far Huw Edwards, Harvey Weinstein, Bill Cosby, R Kelly and Gary Glitter (real name Paul Gadd) have signed up to take part in a similar show, with the aim of rehabilitating their reputations with the public, according to a TV insider.


However, it seems none of them were informed that the others would be present, or that the supply ship wouldn’t be returning after dropping them off on the remote island.


”It’s a sort of creepy Lord of the Flies,” said the programme maker Oliver Matcha. “We feel the public will enjoy seeing these vile men turning on each other in panic, as their supplies dwindle and they face the very real prospect of starvation. I only wish Savile, Harris, Epstein and al Fayed could be there too.


“It’s a bit dark for a weekday evening show, I grant you. To be honest, I think Channel 4 only said yes because they were thinking of Lord of the Rings. But if they’re expecting hobbits, dwarves and magic rings, they’ll be disappointed.


”But the rest of us will get to enjoy the likes of Roman Polanski and Jonathan King scratching each other’s eyes out over half a rotten mango.”


image from pixabay

Channel 4 Announces New Reality Show: Don't Tell the Mother




From the producers of “Don’t Tell the Bride,” the hit reality show where adorably incompetent men take responsibility for planning their own weddings without their wives-to-be, comes the brand new concept: “Don’t Tell the Mother.”


This show follows first-time dads as they control every detail of their expectant partner’s birth plan, leaving everything a surprise until the big day.


Dave, a brick-layer with a tribal tattoo and too much confidence, planned a droll delivery for his partner Ellie by replacing all the midwives with Elvis impersonators and arranging for her to deliver on the pitch of his beloved Wembley stadium as he thought “it would be a laugh.”


28-year-old Michael might not know what an epidural is, but he does know the meaning of Epicurean—ok he doesn’t, but that didn’t stop him from pulling out all the stops and planning an Oktoberfest-themed birthing plan, glutted with tankards of Stella so he and his friends could wet the baby’s head before wife Char was 3cm dilated. As the drink and the amniotic fluid flowed, Micheal welcomed his son into the world to the serenading of a Bavarian Oompah band while Char’s perineum was sutured. There wasn’t a dry eye in the house.


Despite viewing this japery as one final, light-hearted hurrah before the commitments of fatherhood, the mothers often fail to see the funny side. “When he insisted on cutting the umbilical cord with a replica of the Narsil sword from the Fellowship of the Ring, that’s where I drew the line,” 26-year-old Emily confesses, whose film-buff husband’s commitment to a Lord of the Rings themed delivery landed her and her infant daughter in the ICU. “He hired a Gandalf to be my doula. He kept referring to my crowning baby’s head as the Eye of Sauron and bellowing “You shall not pass!!” at any medical personnel who were trying to assist with the cord prolapse. And I’m not naming her Galadriel for f*cks sake.”


“People keep congratulating me on having my first baby,” Jane smiles, smearing an adult nappy in aloe vera and witch-hazel as her newborn howls at her breast. Husband Derek is rewinding after the stress of planning the big day. “But it’s not true; I’ve been a mother ever since I got married.”


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