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Geoffrey Boycott to replace Imran Khan as Pakistani leader



The Pakistani government has made a controversial choice by choosing to elect outspoken former Yorkshire cricketer and grumpy old bugger, Geoffrey Boycott, as a replacement for outgoing Prime Minister, Imran Khan. Mr Khan's supporters are furious that he has been dropped and have taken to the streets, demanding action replays and use of the DRS.


Boycott has agreed to pad up and walk out to the crease and has promised to put Pakistan back on the world map.


"Khan was OK as a one day Prime Minister, or even a 20-20 leader but, on the big occasions, he needed to use his skills better and put in much more effort. He needed more games and not just on Sunday afternoons", he told our reporter.


He continued, "Khan has had a terrible innings. My grandmother could have done a better job than that."


Boycott is said to have already put together a Trophy Cabinet, his first eleven, which includes Wasim Akram, Waqar Younis, and Dickie Bird as Chancellor of the Exchequer.


Boycott's grandmother was unavailable for comment.




First published 13 April 2022



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Rachel Reeves’ surprising speech



The Chancellor gave her much heralded speech on the economy this week. The speech majored on how to create growth, and it covered airport runways, relocating Silicon Valley to Bedfordshire, digging a new hole under the Thames, buggering up the environment to boost the economy, and so on.


None of these things is expected to fix the economy anytime soon.


A photographer with a powerful zoom lens noticed that Rachel Reeves’ glossy fingernails were decorated with tiny letters that spelled out the word ‘doomed’ and that when she blinked, her eyelids appeared to have the message ‘help me’ written on them.   Although when she winks, the message is either ‘help, help, help’ or ‘me, me, me’.  So the precise meaning is somewhat unclear.


Media minders and members of the security services whisked the Chancellor away at the end of her speech, with no time for questions about inflation, stagflation, recession, trade tariffs, potholes, dog mess or winter fuel payments.  And certainly no time for answers.

UK economy now 90% AI, scented candles and OnlyFans



The stagnant growth in the UK is being attributed to the fact that the last time we made something, it was on a Spinning Jenny. GDP is currently based on YouTube likes and fidget spinners. Manufacturing has ground to a halt and the only successful industries are personalized calendars of Kate Middleton and reasons to hate Keir Starmer.


A spokeswoman for the Chancellor countered: 'I do not accept your characterization, we have enabled a 175% growth in molesters and embezzlers. We have seen a twofold increase in flooding. And we are doing a booming trade in international war crimes and exporting forever chemicals. The UK is a world leader - just not in anything you would be proud of'.


The Chancellor is struggling to boost growth - unless by growth you mean NHS waiting lists. The only positive is that bioengineers have managed to turn Fatbergs into perfume. Provided the UK has an unlimited supply of unwanted fat lumps, this industry will continue to grow. So there is a use for James Corden after all.


image from pixabay

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