China fails to break UK democracy as someone got there first

The Chinese Ambassador admitted: 'We hacked your electoral roll, only to discover three names left on it - Peter Mandelson, Eddie the Eagle and Bolton Wanderers FC. Someone had already deleted millions of voters and replaced them with a gallery of erotic photographs of Prince Andrew and a lubricated garden gnome.'

Further attempts to undermine MPs were thwarted by the MPs own voting record. 'We'd hoped to create fake stories of lurid sex scandals and financial wrongdoing, but nothing prepared us for Rishi Sunak's debauched WhatsApp group and Keir Starmer's sock drawer.

'We have a strong suspicion that the UK may be a front for an elaborate money laundering scheme, while the real UK is based in the Cayman Islands. Having hacked into the UK we are now worried our computers might have picked up a virus. And judging by your Ministers, its probably Syphilis.'

Image: Newsbiscuit

Magic Money Tree found in Cayman Islands

After searching high and low, for all of two minutes, Labour and Conservative MPs agreed there was no money to help the poor. Yet a cursory inspection of their expenses claims, would suggest that the Magic Money tree is alive and well, and forming a forest the size of Wales.

Said one tax inspector: 'If you want to find a tree, you should start with people who own a 50 acre garden. Very few trees in a council tenement building. Very little Magic there either. Not unless you count the mushrooms. In reality, Magic Trees are much more likely to be discovered in Magic Offshore Accounts, alongside Magic Tax Avoidance and Magic Photos of Jeffery Epstein.'

Asked about the huge pile of money, shaped like a tree, sitting in his own bank account, a spokesman for Keir Starmer said: 'Oh, that tree? I never noticed it before. That's not a tree, it's a very large shrub. Easy mistake to make. And those big wads of cash? Those are donations to ensure we won't introduce a rich tax. So technically not money, more of a bribe. Magic, huh?'

image from pixabay

Johnson only visited Kyiv to scope out local tax laws

Boris Johnson recently visited Ukraine to determine its suitability as somewhere for Tory cabinet ministers and their spouses to be domiciled but obviously not to live.

Tory intern Henry Hootington-Hurst said 'The Channel and Cayman Islands are a bit passé these days. For elite tax dodging, you've got to start hitting war zones. If you get caught, you disguise it as a photo op with a younger, more charismatic, more popular leader and donate them some weapons.'

'Alternatively you can throw a little shiny-suited strop and demand an inquiry into how your wife's dubious non-dom status leaked and keep the story of you as Scrooge McDuck alive for longer. Rishi can no longer get aroused unless he can see the raw desperation in the eyes of the proletariat. First he lowers his tax liability, then his trousers.'