Rees-Mogg accused of being double agent for Protestants

Animatronic wankstain Jacob Rees-Mogg has been accused of bringing Catholicism into disrepute by the Association of Nonce Priests.

Father Dominic is a Catholic priest. Well he would be, with a name like that. ‘We’ve suspected Rees-Mogg of being an undercover Protestant for some time’, he told NewsBiscuit. ‘The man is obviously trying to discredit Catholicism. I mean, some of us are kiddie-fiddlers and even we think he steps over the line, that’s how bad it is.

‘This week he told viewers on his TV programme to say the rosary in Latin if they want rewards in this life and the next. That’s the kind of mumbo-jumbo horseshit you’d expect from a Hollywood screenwriter who’s never seen a Catholic. He’ll be walking round with a sharpened wooden stake and some garlic next’.

NewsBiscuit asked Mr Rees-Mogg for a comment but he just gave us a patronising smile and made the Sign of the Cross before vanishing in a puff of sulphurous smoke. So, mixed messages really.

image from pixabay

Cheeky Italian Red now also a weather warning

Italy is currently hotter than a ghost chilli lasagne at a bunga bunga party in the fires of Mount Etna. According to many British newspapers, the extremely high temperatures throughout Italy have ‘blown the bloody doors off’ and forced young attractive women to wear skimpy outfits and temporarily get off their scooters to frolic in a fountain with their equally attractive friends.

One Italian stereotype said 'Mamma mia, we need to make this weather an offer it can’t refuse. It’s a spicy meataballa'. He gestured theatrically at an imaginary referee.

Some in the Vatican have perceived the hellish temperatures as a nudge in the ribs from God, but as a screaming child ran in the opposite direction, a sweaty priest denied this. ‘What has the Catholic Church got to feel guilty about?’

photo: https://pixabay.com/users/geralt-9301/

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Sky wins Easter Week TV contract

The final few days in the life of Jesus Christ and His resurrection will be shown exclusively on Sky this year, it has been announced.

The broadcaster beat off rival bids from Channel 4 and a consortium of the Catholic Church and Amazon Prime, ending over 2000 years of free-to-air coverage of the showcase religious event.

'After our previous unsuccessful forays into religious programming, this really is our second coming', announced Sky's Head of Programmes, Mike McBride.

'We've revamped the traditional Holy Week format, starting a couple of days ago with a reality show called Set Him Free where viewers got to choose whether to release either Jesus or some common robber.

‘Audiences loved Pontius Pilate as host, with regular cutaways to King Herod for his instant reaction on developments', continued McBride.

The traditional quiet period before the Last Supper on Thursday will be replaced with rolling news coverage, and a range of programming tie-ins.

‘The Road to Calvary’ will revisit key moments in Jesus' life, featuring ‘talking head’ insights from Mary Magdalene, Doubting Thomas, and Stephen Mulhern.

‘The Gospel Truth’ will follow four unknown writers, Matthew, Mark, Luke and John as they struggle and complete their first fictional novel, with Richard Osman narrating.

‘Jesus’s death will become a Sky Box Office event, but we’re moving it 9 pm to avoid a clash with the 3pm St Helens v Wigan Rugby League match', explained McBride.

'We're also revamping the rolling away of the tombstone on Easter Sunday. Joseph of Arimathea will now compete with the best of the rest in a series of events to see who will be crowned Jerusalem's Strongest Man'.

Image: Pixabay/geralt