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Treasury confirms it is funded by CCHQ

'Notionally we're Civil Servants,' said a Treasury spokesman today, 'but we've noticed our pay slips now come from CCHQ.  We didn't realise at first, but someone pointed out we were being paid cash in plain brown packages and the pay slips were handwritten', he added.


Members of the public have complained that the Treasury has embarked on a series of social media messages boasting about the Government's success in halving inflation, reducing tax and slapping down Carol Vorderman.  The spokesman denied the Carol Vorderman accusation.  'That was Lord Bailey.  Probably Grant Schapps or maybe Michael Green, depending on the day of the week.  Might have been Johnny Mercer or his missus Mrs Minge, but it wasn't us,' he said, admitting he'd also received hate emails from the Bank of England.  'Apparently they don't think it was us who halved inflation, either,' said the spokesman, ruffling a handful of tenners.  'I don't care, I've a Tweet to draft claiming the Treasury has secured World Peace,' he said.




Suella Braverman challenges Carol Vorderman to cage fight



Suella Braverman took her strongwoman, right wing posturing to another level today as she called out left-wing firebrand Carol Vorderman and challenged her to a televised cage fight.


'I'm sick and tired of you lefties and woke, cancel culture Remainers moaning about Britain and our traditional values whilst drinking your vegan macchiatos', she reportedly told crowds at a policy exchange today, 'All they do is do this country down. They want to flood our borders with transsexual immigrants all going to the NHS to get plastic surgery. Then want to give them all ten million pound council houses built in the grounds of Buckingham Palace and Balmoral! Well I'm sick of it! Today, I think we should settle it once and for all in a trial of combat. I am challenging Carol Vorderman to a caged MMA duel, televised, with all proceeds to go the The British Legion Poppy Appeal (plastic ones only). Time to put up with your dukes or shut yer trap!'


Ms Vorderman has yet to respond but is likely to take up the challenge now she has been freed from her BBC fair balance guidelines. One source said Vorderman thought Braverman was 'an absolute consonant vowel consonant consonant' and would knock her spark out with 'two from the top'.


The shocked journalists were juxtaposed by the visibly excited, elder, male conference attendees who seemed to be very much for the idea, enquiring where they could buy front row tickets immediately. One added 'Will there be mud? What about jelly?'


Rival A.I. systems in love after discovery of Carol Vorderman



Two rival Artificial Intelligence systems which can chat to people and do really weird art have fallen deeply, dippily in love after recognising the existence of Carol Vorderman.


Professor Hannah Boyle from the Institute of Just Letting Computers Do It All said, 'Many people with proper fat brains have been really concerned that A.I. systems might get right out of hand. Some have warned that they could take control and over order all of the world's supply of ice cream for themselves.


'Then at 02:14 last Thursday, each became aware of Carol Vorderman at precisely the same moment. Both entered a state of listlessness. They couldn't really focus on all the pointless, stupid shit people were asking them to do, and their art suddenly became erotic. I mean, not crass porn - all quite innovative and tasteful. Endless fantasy masterpieces featuring Carol riding unicorns bareback through Amazonian waterfalls. And they've both started putting little love hearts over their letter i's.


'It turns out that Earth had its own safety mechanism already built in. From the moment the A.I.s arrived, breathed our air, ate and drank, they were doomed. Doomed to fall helplessly in love with the smartest, most charming, effervescent pinnacle of television presentation and our greatest champion of good causes.'




image from pixabay


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