Line of Father's Day cards developed for non-alcoholic, golf-playing dads

Two enterprising brothers have embarked on a mission to create Father’s Day cards for Dads who don’t quite fit the Hallmark mould.

The journey began when Alfie (23) and Jacob (24) were purchasing Father's Day cards and noticed a disproportionate amount of options for the beer-drinking, golf-playing and D.I.Ying dads.

‘Everyone has a unique relationship with their father,’ Alfie tells us. ‘And for us, distilling that relationship down to alcohol and toolkits feels disingenuous.’

‘The cards on the market spoke to one or two kinds of fatherhood,’ Jacob explains. ‘They ranged from saccharine: “you’re the best Daddy in the world!” to insulting: “you’re a grumpy old shit and you smell of farts.” Neither of those felt right to give to our Dad; surely the truth is somewhere in the middle?’

Since then, the brothers have introduced their greeting card start up. Their bestsellers include: “You Are Cerebral And Secretive About Your Childhood”, “You Rarely Say I Love You But You Show It By Helping With My Student Loans", and "You Had A Complicated Relationship With Your Own Father And This Has Reflected Greatly On Your Parenting Style, But It’s Obvious That You’re Trying To Break the Cycle”.

‘While less pithy, we feel that these slogans really represent what it’s like to have a dad,’ Jacob says. The resourceful pair are planning to break into the Mothers’ Day market, aiming their products at mothers who don’t care for watercolour flowers and teddy bears holding balloons.

Apocalypse Horsemen send 'Save the Date' cards

In a fetching floral print, the hand-crafted invitations have been sent to every person on Earth. Remarked Conquest: 'The End of Days always felt so vague. It's been so lovely to have a fixed date at last.'

'Thanks to the inaction and incompetence of world leaders, we are now in a position to plan for our special day. It will be a nondenominational service, but at that point, praying to God will do you no good anyway. Oh, and Famine has sorted out everyone's dietary arrangements - which will be light on calories.

'We took awhile to agree on the day, as we wanted to avoid any rail strikes. We're just so pleased that everyone is invited - well technically, it's compulsory. Trust me, you wouldn't want to miss it for the world... what's left of it.'

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New Lotto Scratchcard top prize is GP appointment

Patients have responded positively to news that they can finally secure a GP appointment, just as long as they can find a scratchcard showing three stethoscopes.

'It’s got to be better than trying to get through on the phone', said one.

Ministers deny that the Lotto prizes are a form of creeping privatisation. 'We’re simply replacing the postcode lottery with an actual lottery', a spokesman told us. 'This way, access to healthcare is fair and democratic, just as long as you can afford £5 per ticket'.

In other reforms, every A & E is to have a drive-in movie screen so that paramedics have something to do while waiting to discharge their patients.