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Iran safe as Americans don't know where it is

Or how to pronounce it. In fact, given only 23% can find it on a map, chances are it will be Israel or Belguim that gets bombed.


Explained a four-star General: 'We know roughly where it is. It's near oil, their women dress like ghosts and they do the squiggly writing. It's definitely not Iraq, as we did those guys.'


US missiles will have an inbuilt sat nav and the Where's Wally Book of Fake Nukes. The major concern is that if they commit troops, then they will get buried in sand, along with their car keys. 'I have every confidence we will find it - it's next to Canada, right?'


image from pixabay



Canada-UK Partnership Ensures Continued Supply of Apologies

As a Precursor to the G7 Summit taking place in Canada this week, the Prime Ministers of the UK and Canada met in Ottowa and struck a historic accord that ensures closer collaboration on the sharing of apologies between the two nations.


"Our profound friendship and similarities are what unite us," said Stanley Cupp, Canadian Minister for Trade. "Canadians have always been distinguishable from Americans in two ways: the fact we'll put maple syrup on literally anything, and that if someone bumps into us we'll apologise rather than try to assert our second amendment rights. By sharing the manufacture of regrets with the UK and removing duties, we're confident that both countries will continue to be able to say sorry whether the mistake is on our part or not."


Both Mark Carney and Sir Keir Starmer are said to be arriving at the event in Alberta laden with freshly-minted atonements and contritions to share with the other delegates. They're confident there's more than enough for everyone due to the likely disparity between the amount they believe Donald Trump needs, and the amount he'll actually take.


image from pixabay


While King travels to Canada, UK declares sneaky Republic


He had only been out of the country for two-days, but King Charles III discovered the UK had changed all the locks when he tried to get back in. What was meant to be a show of support for the new Canadian PM, turned out to be a decree nisi from the throne. When he returned to the UK he found all his belongings - including a set of golf clubs, the Duchy of Cornwall and an Illuminati sticker album – to have been unceremoniously dumped in black bin bags outside Dover.


The UK was unrepentant, claiming the relationship had been dead for years and that they had just been going through the motions, including all that weird stuff with his Mum and Paddington. Historically all the King Charles have been unpopular Monarchs, hence the expression ‘a right proper Charlie, ‘a good-time Charlie’ and ‘you inbred, adulterous, fat-fingered flummox-brained half-witted cream-face loon…Charlie’.


Technically, Canada is now responsible for feeding and watering the unwanted King, but they have problems of their own. This probably means Charles will wander into the nearest wood and been killed by foxes – which has a sort of irony only a swan could enjoy.



Image credit: Wix AI

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