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Carney to run Canada like a fairground attraction


Canada will be increasing the number of coconut shies and tea cup rides that it has, now that a Carney is set to become Prime Minister.


A Canadian spokes-moose downed a pint of maple syrup before smashing an ice hockey puck into the middle distance.


'If Donald Trump wants Canada, it's only because he loves poutine as much as Putin. Still, he's going to have to stand behind the line and throw a suspiciously bouncy ball into a suspiciously shallow bucket. Can he really hook a duck with those tiny hands? Let's distract him with dodgems and candy floss.'


Donald Trump himself was seen tugging on a robot's sleeve and whining 'Can I go on the rides and have some candy Elon? Can I? Can I? Can I? Go on… pleeeeeease? You won't ever have to pay any tax ever again. Pinky swear?'


Updated version of 1984 published in US



1984, George Orwell's famous study of autocratic tyranny, has long been on the list of books banned from American public schools and libraries.


Its sudden reappearance was therefore met with surprise, until people noticed it wasn't quite the same book they remembered.


'Russia is our ally, Russia has always been our ally,' declares the book in a particularly unexpected passage. 'They support us in our struggle against Canada and Mexico. So it's only right we should help them when Ukraine provocatively attacks Russian soldiers, hundreds of miles inside Ukrainian territory.


'We're not sure whose side Lesotho is on, but then it sounds like a made up country anyway.'


The book goes on to say Russia isn't actually at war, because they choose not to call it that. Moreover freedom is slavery, and ignorance, if not exactly strength, can certainly be helpful in getting elected.


It concludes with a paean of praise to 'Big Orange Brother', the great leader whose infinite wisdom guides a grateful nation to ever greater success and prosperity.


However, it's thought no one will ever read the new version, because all public schools and libraries have now been closed so that Elon Musk can have a slightly larger tax break.


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