King for sale, hardly used

UK selling King to raise emergency cash for much needed night out, and also with view to saving money by dropping Kingdom part of name.

High mileage. Non-runner. Needs work. Battery not included.

Full service history. See complete, multiple-duplicated Daily Express records. Some photos may have been augmented.

Comes with second-hand Queen for free. Ideal for anyone looking to complete part of broken up set. Those seeking 1980s-style Princess will be disappointed.

No obligation to take on costly responsibilities of piss-artist formerly known as Prince.

Will consider trade-in for Canadian Prime Minister.

No time wasters.

Image: WixAI

No bias against Northerners insists Buckingham palace

Annie, a 68 year old single lady from Huddersfield has just had her twelfth rejection letter from Buckingham Palace after applying for the role of lady of the Bedchamber, 10 times under Queen Elizabeth and twice under Queen Camilla. Annie’s last two applications were requesting a position as one of the Queens Companies, a change Camilla recently made to the job.

According to Annie, although the name has been changed, she believes the duties probably remain unchanged since the 1700’s and she has been practicing carrying full and empty Piss Pots up and down the stairs of her two bedroom terrace house for the last 20 years. Recently she had a fall whilst carry the Pot when it was full to the brim, but luckily it was only carrying Orange squash which she uses for authenticity.

A lifelong Royalist, Annie previously worked as a Lolly pop lady for 30 years and had once had high hopes of one day featuring in the Honours list, an MBE or an OBE based on her year’s service and having twice saved the lives of children on her zebra crossing.

According to reports, with no regard for her own safety, Annie literally pulled the children out of the way of speeding Lorries but as Huddersfield is around 200 miles from London and Annie doesn’t write for the Daily mail, her heroism was ignored.

Recently , it was explained to her by her local MP, the powers that be have deemed it inappropriate to have Northerners at the award ceremonies, speaking funny and shoving chip butties in their gobs and generally being loud. A spokesman pointed out that the north was well represented by Prince Andrew adding, 'and look how that worked out!'

Image: fotoblend - Pixabay

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Undeterred Annie is thinking of applying for a role as Pen carrier to King Charles or Tin Opener to Wills and Kate.

Queen renamed to end confusion

With social media once again confused at Buckingham Palace's reports of the Queen's health, news organisations have agreed with the royal household to use updated terminology to stop people confusing Camilla for Elizabeth II.

'This is why we initially wanted to call Camilla the Queen Consort,' said Emily Double-barrelled, Royal Correspondent for the Daily Express. 'Sadly, that got vetoed and it left us at a bit of a loss. The crown also rejected our other suggestions of 'The Queen, no not that one', 'The King's Second Wife', or the slightly too long 'The Queen, but it should have been Diana, she's the real queen of hearts.'

In a statement, The King's private secretary gave clarification on the new acceptable nomenclature, telling us, 'We understand the confusion and that, after 70 years of Queen Elizabeth as monarch, old habits - much like her - die hard. Looking back on recent history, we had Queen Elizabeth the Queen Mother, and Mary as Dowager Queen. With those in mind, and following discussions with their Majesties, I'm pleased to announce that henceforth - due to the way she came to her title - Queen Camilla is to be known as The Queen's Gambit.'

Image credit: Wix AI