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In what is seen as Labour’s potential first misstep, Sir Keir Starmer has released a 2024 calendar with a series of risqué and provocative poses. The move, as Labour HQ has announced, is to capture the “thirsty” vote.
'For too long has there been a distinct lack of sexiness in Downing Street,' said Mr Starmer at a press conference dressed in a leather trousers, jacket, cowboy boots and no shirt. 'Cameron, May, Johnson, Truss, Sunak hold nothing to my…..majority.' He thrust his crotch suggestively to the photographers nearby.
The calendar shows a bold new direction with images such as January showing Mr Starmer riding a horse seemingly naked and March portraying him in a Doctor’s white coat pulled up to reveal his bare bottom. The latter is thought to be his tribute to the NHS. June sees him lying sideways across a judge's desk in a courtroom with a gavel in a suggestive place.
Labour say that the calendars are flying off the shelves. Feedback is coming back that some people are very much looking forward to December 2024 not only for the potential general election but also for Mr Starmer’s appearance as a naked Santa Claus with only a present sack to cover his dignity.
It’s one of the stranger pieces of legislation, like that one about killing Welshmen after midnight in Chester, or the one about wearing a suit of armour in the Houses of Parliament. Since the Middle Ages members of the building trades have been forbidden from owning a calendar.
‘It really inconveniences our customers’ said Pete, a plasterer from Warrington. ‘I’d love to be able to say “oh yeah, I’ll start the job on the 31st” or whatever, but it’s actually illegal for me to own a calendar so I just say something like “end of the month ok?” and then I get bollocked when I forget a job’.
Campaigners say they’re pleased with the change but it’s a missed opportunity for wider reform. ‘We also want a standard pricing model, said Dave Jenkins of the Customers’ Alliance. ‘Under the current system a tradesman has to recite a poem backwards while examining a chicken’s entrails. It leads to significant disparities in pricing for the same job. Surely, in the twenty first century, we could at least computerise the entrail analysis?’
However, HMG doesn’t support the move to a more modern pricing mechanism, pointing out that ‘If examining chickens' entrails is good enough for the Chancellor, it should be good enough for builders’.
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