The Loon, the Witch, and the Warzone. A fantasy

Labour Cabinet members play Pay Off, Nationalise, Ignore

The members of Keir Starmer’s cabinet have devised their own political version of Snog, Marry, Avoid.  It's called Pay Off, Nationalise, Ignore and it helps them to manage scarce resources and to prioritise where to put the effort in.  However, Sir Keir has sworn his cabinet members to secrecy and told them that this method of decision-making must never become public.

An insider, speaking off the record, suggested considering the challenges posed by water companies, teachers, and rail drivers. By discussing these using the Pay Off, Nationalise, Ignore criteria, the issues can be solved fairly easily.  Pay the teachers, nationalise water and ignore the train drivers.

 The next test is rail companies, Harland and Wolff, and doctors. You’ve probably solved that one too. Pay off doctors, nationalise railways and ignore Harland and Wolff.

Each Department is being encouraged to review its challenges using the game.  For example, in defence the three challenges are NATO, troop numbers and procurement. These are easily fixed by paying off NATO, nationalising procurement and ignoring troop numbers.

The methodology can even be applied to Labour Party members. For example, consider the challenges of Tony Blair, Diane Abbott and Jeremy Corbyn. This conundrum is easily solved by paying off Tony Blair, ignoring Diane Abbott and ignoring Jeremy Corbyn. OK. That one doesn’t quite work, but you get the idea.  Maybe a better answer is snog Tony Blair, marry Diane Abbott and avoid Jeremy Corbyn...

Image credit: Wix AI

Larry greets Keir Starmer and his new ministers

'Ah, Mr Starmer!  I've been expecting you' Larry the cat is reported to having said as Britain's new prime minister eventually found his way to No. 10 downing Street for a confidential inaugural meeting.

Asked later by the world's press how well they got on, Larry was taciturn.  'We'll have to see how well Sir Keir and his colleagues shape up' mouthed the Chief Mouser to the Cabinet Office as he strolled back to his official quarters 'but it will be good if this is the start of a few years consistency and continuity.  And without any of my staff thinking they have to stand outside in the pouring  rain to make a speech.  I'm a cat, so obviously I would never do anything as dumb as that.'

Photo by Manja Vitolic on Unsplash