POTUS refutes claims that his appointees are Diversity Hires

After Donald Trump blamed the Washington air crash on diversity hires by Air Traffic Control, he has denied that any of his recent appointees fall into this category.  He reportedly said that ‘almost none of them have severe intellectual or psychiatric disabilities.’  He refutes claims that he appointed anyone to meet targets for fundraising, or letting him win at golf.  He insists that all of his staff are appointed solely on merit.

The President is reported to have said, ‘My Efficiency Bro, Elon Musk, is a regular white, male guy.  He’s really rich, so he’s definitely not in an excluded or disadvantaged group.  His social media app is open to all, however prejudiced, without fear or favour … although, actually, fear is favoured.   He will be great at cutting government oversight and regulations, but he obviously/probably won’t do anything to advantage Tesla, SpaceX, TwitteX or Bitcoin.  All of those regulations will be cut by someone else.

‘My Defence Secretary, Pete Hegseth, has plenty of government experience as a regular white, male guy.   He nearly got elected to the Minnesota senate in 2012 – so close, so close – and he learnt a lot from that. He doesn’t want women in combat roles – that’s just chivalry, not wokery.  And he thinks men are more capable – that’s just a fact.  The allegations of sexual assault, drinking and financial mismanagement are all fake news.  People in disadvantaged minorities don’t get to co-host weekend shows on Fox TV, so that proves he’s not a diversity hire.

‘My Health Secretary, RFK, has a gravelly voice.  That doesn’t make him queer, or Hispanic, or intellectually retarded.  He used to say my supporters were idiots, and this proves his commitment to free speech for all Americans.  He is prepared to ignore the small minority who believe in vaccines, and he respects the right of citizens to travel to undeveloped countries, if they want to, and to bravely die of un-American diseases like Yellow Fever.   He’s just a regular white, male guy who is going to do a great job.

In conclusion, Mr Trump allegedly said that he didn’t need rules and regulations to appoint a diverse and capable group of white men to work with him.

He emphasised that he had no problem in appointing Mexicans, if they paid for the wall. And no problem appointing Canadians, once they were part of the USA.  And no problem in appointing women, if they could make good coffee and sign an NDA.

Trump assigns Neil Patrick Harris Secretary for Health

As expected, Donald Trump this week made Neil Patrick Harris his Secretary for Health and Human services. In a long telegraphed appointment, Trump made good on his plan to put the award winning Broadway actor in charge of the country's fattening health. Citing Harris's extensive experience playing Doogie Howser, M.D., over four seasons from 1989 to 1993, Trump said Americans could rest assured Harris was overqualified to take on the burden of saving 325 million patients.

The then 16 year old Harris was so convincing as the prodigy teenage physician that members of the public would approach him in sneaker stores and ask his opinions of their suspicious moles and weird dry mouth symptoms. Harris became increasingly adept at spouting ad hoc diagnoses, to the point that he sounded like an actual jaded doctor. Thereafter the US public's confusion between act and reality settled into the same pattern it has in every other sphere that has led to what we are facing in 2025.

Observers believe Trump is trying to form a 'kitchen cabinet of geniuses.' He himself is an unarguably stable one; Harris/Howser, who possesses a genius intellect and photographic memory, is now at Health; Musk, the tech Leonardo, is in charge of the 1930s revival; Marilyn Vos Savant, with an IQ of 228 (look her up), will be put in charge of regulating the diet coke industry; while Simon Jordan will be tasked with frightening off the Houthis.

Bill Gates, however, is out. 'Bill was just too Epsteiny.' Gates, whose wife famously divorced him after she found out that the public had found out about his weekends on Eppy Isle, believes his chance will arise should there be a second pandemic. 'Bill's hopes rest solely on something apocalyptic emerging from China. He actually prays for it.' Meanwhile Trump is set to hire Jeff Bezos to handle the indigenous peoples threat from the Amazon.

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Minister resigns for thing she didn't do, not thing she did

The Transport Secretary made it clear she was resigning on a point of whimsy rather than principal. 'Yes, I could have quit over all the warmongering, corruption, abuse of the elderly and vulnerable, but that would have seen like an admission of guilt. This way I get to do a 'sorry, not sorry' farewell and I'll be back in the Cabinet faster than a tramp on chips!'

This is the first high profile resignation from the Starmer government, if you ignore the sense of resignation felt by the electorate. Yet, it is not the first time Labour has had to apologise for something they did not do, their manifesto being a case in point. Said one voter: 'Why delay the inevitable? Eventually every Minister has to resign due to a sex or money scandal. It's like a. political bikini wax. Nobody wants it but you might as well get it over quickly.'

Others have criticised her for playing her 'get out of jail' card too early.

Resigning now cannot protect you later, particularly if you get chummy with an international sex trafficker - just ask Peter Mandelson. Obviously don't ask Mr. Mandelson, directly. He has lawyers.

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