Making hay whilst the sun shines

UK welcomes 'bonzer' boomerang deal

The new trade deal with Australia is set to put the British economy on a stellar course as the UK gets access to zero tariff kangaroos, boomerangs and digeridoos. It tried to swap Rolf Harris as part of the deal, but compromised by lowering food standards to kebab floor levels.

'It was a tough negotiation, but now we can export corks attached to hats for the first time, there's no stopping us,' said a member of the government negotiating team. 'Apparently they intend cutting the corks off and sticking them in bottles of murky chemicals labelled as wine. We even get out corks back as part of the deal,' he said.

British farmers are understood to be pleased that the UK will be awash with cheap, tasteless wine as part of the deal, as it will be all they will be able to afford to drown their sorrows as their industry is sold from under them.

Big business pens open letter to Johnson over 'Freedom Day' postponement

A group of super rich businessmen and women has written an open letter to Boris Johnson, expressing fury at yesterday's climbdown, in not granting England its long-awaited 'Freedom Day'.

One magnate said: 'Is this the bulldog spirit? Can we allow what is clearly the greatest country in the world to be held to ransom by some sneaky underhand nasty foreign bug?'

'And don't talk to me about suffering. I have personally lost millions of pounds worth of value from my companies, leaving me with only a few billion in the bank. How am I to make ends meet? I'm facing ruin here.'

While another complained. 'It might seem like our group is motivated purely by colossal greed for monstrously massive self gains. It could perhaps appear that we're quite happy to play Russian Roulette with the lives of our workforces.'

'Well, perish the thought. Nothing could be further from the truth. You can certainly trust me on that score too. What's more, I am thinking very seriously of implementing the minimum wage across all my business, as well as abolishing zero hours contracts too.'

Meanwhile the former 'Quiet Man' of politics, Iain Duncan Smith, is said to be enraged by the PM's capitulation in the face of the overwhelming medical advice and evidence. An insider said that IDS was "going to jolly well do something about it" assuming he can find anyone of importance, influence or clout prepared to listen to him.