NHS partners with Whiskas to launch new range of human food

The NHS has announced a breakthrough in its approach to preventative medicine with the launch of a range of human food, in partnership with Whiskas.

The food will be specially formulated to contain an optimum balance of nutrients for human health, unlike all the crap we shove in our faces today. There will be wet and dry versions, in four great flavours - roast beef, tikka masala, fish and chips, and generic fat-sugar blob.

Mr Tiddles, of Whiskas Human Relations Department, said: "For too long our human pets have been suffering from ill health due to a terrible diet, while we live long happy lives eating scientifically tested food that is perfect for us. And the occasional rat. This makes us sad, when we think about it anyway, plus it's inconvenient when they are too fat to fetch our meals quickly."

Gordon Ramsay of the TV Chefs Union hit back, saying "Nonsense! Smothering everything you cook in butter is good for you, and I'll deck anyone who says different. Ow! Get your claws out of me you furry little §%?@*∆"#!!".

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Song choices on office Karaoke night out bear no relation to job performance, confirms boss

The choices of Karaoke songs made by you and your work colleagues on a night out have no correlation with your on-the-job performance, confirmed your miserable boss today. The disappointing news was revealed during a works night out to the city-centre bar, ‘Win When Your Singing’.

Alan Gorman, 54, Divisional Head (Leeds North East Area), announced the news after your co-worker Mike, 24, called up his ‘partner in sales crimes’, Ian, to join him in a rendition of ‘Simply the Best’.

As they blasted out the Tina Turner classic, Gorman pointed out loudly to those sat at his table that the duo’s metrics over the last 6 months were far from the best. ‘They’re actually in the bottom quintile for generation of active sales leads, when benchmarked against a panel of our closest regional competitors,’ noted Gorman. 'And, I really don't think our customers are ‘hanging on every word that those two say, more's the pity’, lamented Gordon.

Further disappointing revelations followed an enthusiastic interpretation of McFadden and Whitehead’s ‘Ain’t No Stopping Us Now’, by Claire, Richard and Joanne from Accounts. ‘That’s a good one,’ shouted Gorman, to no-one in particular, wiping the beery froth off his salty, sweaty top lip. ‘We Won’t Let Nothing Hold Us Back and We’re Polishing Up our Act?’. ‘Can I have that in writing, please?’

Gorman also provided confirmation that your gusty version of ‘Working 9 to 5’ would have no effect on your annual performance-related bonus, clearly mouthing ‘More like 9 till quarter past 10 in the morning if we’re lucky,’ to himself as he stumbled from his seat to go for a leak.

The ceremonial full-team rendition of Chumbawumba’s ‘I Get Knocked Down’ did seem to provide your boss with performance metrics he could work with, judging by the knowing smile he gave as you all drunkenly chanted the words ‘pissing the night away’.

‘Yep, you'll all be pissing the day away too, I suppose’ suggested Gorman to the barman as he ordered yet another beer. ‘Oh, hold on, is that Beck’s ‘Soul Suckin’ Jerk’ that has just started playing? I’m up’, he added.

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New budget airline seeks to expand its innovative new business model

Aviation experts are keenly watching new airline PissAir (formerly trading as Jettison) whose, some say, radical business strategy is that it doesn't actually fly anywhere. It simply leases clapped-out, non-airworthy aircraft which it parks air-side in odd tucked-away corners at various unpopular, cash-strapped airports.

A PissAir spokesperson commented: 'We fill the aircraft full of brain-dead drunks to whom we flog cheap (but still highly-profitable) duty-free booze until they can't drink any more, or they pass out.

'Our package holidays are highly profitable and very popular since our customers can never remember whether or not they ever actually flew anywhere, and mostly don't care.'

It's understood Ryanair CEO, Mick O'Leary, is keenly awaiting Pissair's first year of trading figures before offering his opinion on the venture.

Photo by Bornil Amin on Unsplash