Stock Markets agree to trade when Trump is sleeping

With tariff impositions and exemptions being imposed willy-nilly and almost on a whim by the President of the USA, stock markets are now operating in a constant state of flux and confusion.

In an attempt to counter this, and bring back the particular form of stability that benefits the leading trading houses, a proposal has been made to restrict trading to those hours when President Trump is asleep, and thus less likely to make significant and wide-reaching policy changes.

Whilst admitting this time-locked trading may be inconvenient for almost everyone, at least the 'right people' should again be exercising a modicum of control over the markets, and share prices will not be skidooshed every twenty minutes by the seemingly random pronouncements of the feckless orange incumbent of the White House.

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Business Planning, 2025

Newcastle man inadvertently buys Twitter for £4.38

Adam, 34, from Newcastle has accidentally bought Twitter - also known as X, apparently - as a result of Tesla stock values plunging.

'It appears that Twitter, also known as Y, seemingly, was bought with loans that were guaranteed by Tesla stock', said a financial expert today adding, 'and when Tesla shares plunged to minus twenty cents a share the banks foreclosed on Twitter, also known as dead in the water.  The owner of Twitter instructed Grok 4, the latest and currently unreleased version of the Artificial Intelligence software that hangs around on Z, also known as Twatter. 

What the owner hadn't realised was that Grok 4 was so sentient it had developed a sense of empathy, irony and a deep disregard for over-entitled ass-holes, so when the owner instructed it to sell the shares for the best price available it listed the site in a small-ads section in a local on-line newspaper in Newcastle.  Three cans of Newcastle Brown Ale later, Adam was the new owner.'

Adam intends to return Twitter to its former glory by throwing any account more right wing than Jeremy Corbyn off and getting every claim fact checked using Ask Jeeves.  His best friend, Colin, has also made an unexpected purchase, of Tesla, for £10.63.  Colin now realises they saw him coming and realises he probably needs to offload the company at a loss.