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Elon Musk to stop hitting himself when his school bully allows it



Multi billionaire and massive baby Elon Musk has denied that his hair style is in fact a result of his head being flushed down the toilet by some bigger boys who ran away. As he was the victim of a bathroom-based crime, Musk has blamed trans people for his plight.


Musk announced he would go and live on Mars if Kamala Harris was elected, which led to a massive upsurge in donations to her campaign.


A statement read 'My diamond slippers are too tight. This is because the nasty Democrats think I should pay something called "tax". Clearly I should not have to pay any "tax". Donald says I don't have to, tax is for schmucks like you. Huge, if true.'


'I liked Twitter so much, I bought the company. But like any woman I date, it’s now an X.'


Elf and safety is ho-ho-hopeless as Rudolph makes workplace bullying claim




At a press conference, a lawyer for Rudolph, aka The Red Nosed Reindeer said 'My client has such a shiny nose, you might even say it glows, so he's waived his right to anonymity. Rudolph has suffered from textbook bullying. All of the other reindeer - the Lapland 8 - made fun of him and called him names. They also excluded my client from reindeer games.'  


'Santa did give Rudolph a promotion to "Sleigh Team Leader", but this seems like an attempt to buy my client's silence... although in fairness, it was one foggy Christmas night.'


'In terms of compensation, we think Santa's Coca-Cola money should keep Rudolph in carrots. He should never have to guide a sleigh around the world at unsafe speeds in the icy depths of December, ever again.' 


Photo by Osman Rana on Unsplash

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