Jeremy Hunt is "coppering up" for the Budget

Wednesday’s budget may bring boost to British fashion industry

Amid much speculation about what the next budget may contain and the high security required to keep it secret until it’s announced, when Newsbiscuit learned that Jeremy Hunt had spent this morning in the swimwear department of his Saville Row tailor, we sent our intern Mandy to the shop to see what she could learn.

It seems that Mr Hunt was keen to be fitted for some Speedo style trunks and had brought along his personal codpiece for the fitting.

After much deliberation, between Newsbiscuit journalists, it was decided that the only reason Mr Hunt might want speedo style trunks so close to the governments major fiscal statement would be to smuggle the budget into the Commons inside them, instead of pretending to carry it in the red box.

Our political correspondent said “If this turns out to be true, it could bring excitement to the tedium of Budget Day and we might find future chancellors cease holding up a red box for the photographers and drop their trousers instead.

Our fashion correspondent thought that budget smugglers would be brilliant; and bring a major boost to the fashion industry. She was of the opinion that it would be only a matter of time before a catwalk was set up in Downing Street for the top designers to parade their swimwear designs to the Chancellor; and British Fashion Week will be moved to incorporate; and come to a climax on Budget Day.

We asked Mandy if she noticed which swimwear the Chancellor eventually chose, but she said she couldn’t be certain, however he preened himself in a mirror more times in a pair of yellow polka dot trunks more times than any others.

Image from pixabay

Chancellor’s budget briefing confirms that difficult decisions lie ahead

The Chancellor has given another of his daily briefings on the contents of the March budget. After twenty or so previous briefings, journalists’ commitment, and credulity, is being tested.

Today the Chancellor laid out the enormous costs required to deliver millions of overdue NHS operations, to build more houses, to address climate change, and to get re-elected.

In view of the enormous costs attached to health, housing and climate change, the Chancellor is warning that he must make difficult decisions. The government is currently considering reducing the size of the civil service to zero, in order to save £16.6bn per year. But this is only enough money to build around 83,000 houses each year, and assumes that all the sacked civil servants find similar private sector jobs (so that there is no reduction in the income tax take and no unemployment benefit to pay). No money would be left over for the NHS, or anything else.

Having made a thorough appraisal of all the options, the Chancellor said that his current thinking is to boost the economy, growth, and exports by abolishing inheritance tax. This would be very popular with the media and should be reported very widely, on the basis that it is almost certainly true. It should not be derided as idle or unfounded speculation. The Chancellor also explained that although abolishing inheritance tax appears to favour the top 5% of earners, the trickle down effect would, over time, provide all the money needed to fix the NHS, the housing crisis and avert climate change. Probably. It was therefore a policy that all voters should support.

The Chancellor is expected to make another sad effort to get into the newspapers tomorrow, by giving yet another budget update.