The Chancellor, Rachel Reeves (at the time of publication), is due to give her doom-laden budget speech at the end of the month. Journalists are desperately trying to prize information out of her about what will be in it.
Most news stories for the last month, and almost certainly for the next month, revolve around things that the Chancellor has neither ruled in, nor ruled out. As media editors demand more and more copy about budget speculation, the questions are becoming increasingly unhinged.
One media outlet suggested that the government might reintroduce a pet licence costing £20 per cat and £50 per dog. The differential charge is because cats are better at covering it up, whereas dogs incur higher street cleaning costs. This tax would have raised almost one billion pounds. The Chancellor, however, refused to confirm or deny.
Also in limbo are suggestions about reinstating George Osborne’s pasty tax and caravan tax. A tax on tarmacked over driveways – because they increase rain water run-off – cannot be confirmed or denied.
Experts say that a tax on aeroplane meals is 'pie in the sky' and also say that it’s highly unlikely that the Chancellor would impose a tax on hens’ teeth. A tax on anchovies would be hard to collect and would be in bad taste. A proposed increase in gambling tax is described as 'pure speculation' and 25-1 against.
The experts also say that a penguin tax would raise very little money in the UK, unless the Chancellor decides to target the biscuits (or are they cakes?) formerly made of chocolate.
So there you have it. The complete absence of solid facts. And lots of ill-informed speculation. But plenty of copy.
If you have any mad ideas about taxing something stupid, saucy, or outrageous, please send us a message, and we’ll write it up for tomorrow’s paper.
Image: Newsbiscuit Archive
November 2024
November 2024 was a decisive month. Things happened. In the UK, Rachel Reeves delivered her first budget and whacked up taxes on businesses and whacked up taxes on dead farmers. In the US of A, the voters elected a whacked up President, leaving all the pollsters wondering how they’d got it so wrong. The Conservatives elected Kemi Badenoch as leader; she immediately went into hiding and hasn’t been seen since.
Manchester United appointed Ruben Amorim as manager. There was some controversy about Rachel Reeves’ CV, with suggestions that she might have overstated her qualifications. And the Charity Commission published a report slating Captain Tom’s family for mismanagement.
In health news, the media went crazy about weight loss jabs. Just a thin excuse for journos to claim back the cost of jabs as ‘research’. A thin excuse. See what I did there? In entertainment news, that guy from the crisp adverts quit Match of the Day.
Here is a selection of the top NewsBiscuit stories from November 2024. Click through to read the stories and see the author credits. Scroll down to see some of the month’s best headlines.
UK politics
US politics
Culture, Media and Sport
Headlines - politics
Result of tomorrow's free and fair US election announced today by Russia
Democratic Party donors ask for refunds
103% of Americans say election pollsters got it wrong
Rachel Reeves' CV reveals she's been an astronaut, head of the UN and Archbishop of Canterbury
Chancer of the Exchequer
Farm death tax 'Won't cost farming industry much' yet will raise tons of money for the Govt?!
Headlines - professions
Arsonists Anonymous promise new members a warm welcome
Struggling tree surgery company to cut half its branches
Astronomer caught moonlighting
Farmer who fell under plough says the experience was harrowing
Headlines – entertainment
Eric Morecambe auction catalogue has all the right lots, not necessarily in the right order
Gary Lineker to get Testimonial Episode of MOTD
Petition to abolish 'signing for things' gets no signatures
New breed of dog cleans up after itself - it's called a Retriever-Poo
Captain Tom's family to star in Dirty Rotten Scoundrels remake
Other headlines
DIY store selling doors for £1.00 say there are no catches
IVF postcode lottery 'not fair' - "I didn't even want a baby" says pensioner
Cut this one thing out to drastically stop ageing... birthdays
Man who bought full-fibre broadband still constipated
Image credit: deep dream generator