'Fu*k me, I was totally wrong about the Tories' admits a gobsmacked nation

'Fuck me,' said a very much taken aback nation today. 'There I was thinking the Tories are running the biggest and most shambolic shit show on the planet, and all the time it turns out they are playing an absolute blinder.

'Of course, I see it all now. Silly old me. You're scarcely going to believe this, but I was convinced there are shortages everywhere, energy prices are going through the roof and more and more vulnerable people are being forced to use food banks just to keep alive. And... for some odd reason, call it the cold hard facts if you will, that we're in dire straits. But no, not a bit of it apparently.

'Tory money man, multimillionaire Mr Sunak, says everything is just fabulous. It's lots more money all round and no bad news whatsoever. Not a shred. He said it very earnestly like a big enthusiastic schoolboy when he was finishing his budget speech. So it has to be true, because the people he was with all agreed too.

'Tsk. I feel a bit silly now, you know, what with having got it so badly wrong. Looks like I'll have to write a letter to Mr Johnson and apopogise for my ill-informed skepticism.'

photo: https://pixabay.com/users/tumisu-148124/

Man buys fishing waders instead of milk from Aldi	On sale now	COP26: A Delegate's Guide

Budget: Rishi Sunak to pledge £30bn for suffering bankers say sources

I

It's understood that in this week's Budget, the Chancellor of the Exchequer aims to level up the earning power of the financial sector by scrapping non-essential professions.

'When you look at the numbers, menial workers such as cleaners, bar staff, shelf stackers, refuse collectors and school teachers contribute very little to the UK economy,' said an anonymous source from the treasury, believed to be working on the final details. 'And yet, in recent years, we have seen bonuses paid to City traders and bankers – our true wealth creators – dwindle to unacceptably low levels. This has to stop.

'I know what it’s like to feel the heavy burden of unfair taxation, the department official added. 'When I was at Goldman Sachs, it was virtually impossible to eke out an existence on a paltry £5m bonus. How are you supposed to build a London property portfolio on that kind of money?

'But I would see supermarket workers and healthcare assistants happily accept housing benefit handouts from the public purse before I even got to see a single penny of that rental income. And where do those handouts ultimately come from? Yes, our beleaguered finance industry.

'To address this terrible imbalance, the chancellor will tackle the problem head-on by criminalising a series of low-performance occupations, and retrain affected workers. With the government's £30bn scheme they will have the opportunity to become financial advisors, actuaries, bankers and – in extreme cases like the chancellor – married relatives of foreign billionaires.'

The move is expected to play well in The City, with reports that already multiple orders for Louis Roederer Cristal Gold Medalion Orfevres Limited Edition Brut have been placed with wine merchants, in readiness to celebrate the news when it is announced.

Former Prime Minister Tony Blair is said to be very happy with the proposals.

photo: https://pixabay.com/users/12019-12019/

Something Similar	Xmas present idea	Something Different
Britain has prepaid gas & electricity meters fitted to combat energy cost chaos	in paperback and hardback	'Fu*k me, I was totally wrong about the Tories' admits a gobsmacked nation