Queen complains about Knighthood workload

The Palace has confirmed that Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth the Second, has expressed concern that she is going to be worn out knighting 'every Tom, Dick and Harry' if the selection of Gavin Williamson is anything to go by.' Seemingly the Palace feels the bar is set so low that snakes are going to struggle to get under it and anyone with modicum of incompetence and the odd compromising photo of the Prime Minister is going to request a Knighthood any day soon.

'That includes half the Metropolitan Police, which explains why it is taking so long to process the Partygate evidence,' said a minor constitutional expert, who confirmed he had a photo of Boris with a girl twenty years younger than himself. 'Might be an assistant, might be something more salacious, whatever, must be worth at least an Earldom,' he mused.

Image: Pixabay/dimitrisvetsikas1969

No. 10's mea culpa to The Palace sparks wave of copycat apologies

Number 10's apology to Buckingham Palace last week has sparked a number of copycat incidents with more buildings now seemingly wanting to make amends for previous transgressions between one another.

A leading expert in building conflict resolution commented: 'It seems there is a lot of repressed sorrow and regret between many buildings and last week's very public apology has set things in train. So far we know of one semidetached bungalow in Carshalton that has taken out an ad in the local paper apologising to the town hall for its jibes on Twitter about the town hall's unkempt toilet facilities.'

And NewsBiscuit understands French and British diplomats are on alert, with rumours rife regarding the possibility of a high-profile controversial apology being issued between Blackpool and Eiffel Towers over longstanding accusations of blatant plagiarism.

Britain British Number - Free photo on Pixabay

Palace appoints Mary Berry as Honorary Queen Mum

National treasure, Dame Mary Berry, is said to be ‘delighted’ following an announcement by Buckingham Place she is to join the Royal Family in the newly created position of Honorary Queen Mother. ‘She's loved by one and all and is sure to be a dab hand at knocking out the odd Pavlova or Sachertorte for next Summer's garden parties,’ said a palace spokesman. The octogenarian's appointment brings to an end much speculation that perhaps after almost twenty years vacant, the Royals were going to leave the post of nation’s favourite Nana unfilled as no suitable contender could be found. That was until Doyen of the Dacquoise second spin on the wheel of celebrity caught the eye of none other than Her Majesty The Queen. Court insider D’arcy de Villiers says: ‘Leaving such a key post empty was never an option and now with such a strong player as Mary in the team, the simple man can once more be heartened as he starves in his inner-city tower block, eking out his miserable existence in abject poverty.’ Cockney paupers, Jim and Edna Travis, their noses pressed against the railings and dressed in ripped bin bags and filthy rags, sobbed with pure joy as sprightly Mary handed them each a miniscule slither of Lemon Drizzle Cake fom the window of her limo, before sweeping through the gates of Buckingham Place to enjoy a slap-up dinner of Swan Pie with all the trimmings. ‘I tell you what, Mary’s a proper diamond,’ sobbed Jim, as he choked down crumbs, before adding, ‘Gawd bless ‘er!’

image from pxabay

Get more NewsBiscuit humour on Amazon

Telecoms industry in crisis after retirement of Bill Payer	Available now	NHS added to Black Friday Sale