Sliders with socks are still sandals with socks, right?

Scientists have confirmed no matter how comfy they are, you are still channeling a 1970's Dad. Said one expert: 'The phenomenon of teenagers wearing sliders with socks, has all the energy of the Fonz having a cravat or Madonna owning floral print slippers.'

'It starts with sliders, but the disorder soon progresses to wearing a polka dot bow tie and using the phrase 'toodle-pip'. You might as well have a knitted bobble hat and smoke a pipe.'

Biologists have speculated that the transformation is nature's way of redressing the shortage of Geography teachers. 'As they can't breed in their own right, slider wearers will need to be pollinated by someone wearing elasticated jeans. The last time socks with sandals were cool, was at the time of Julius Caesar - and look what happened to him.'

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Threat of third world war less feared than threat of ancient Greek poetry

Brits are pretty OK with the threat of a third world war, nuclear exchange, and the inevitability of mutually assured destruction. The important thing is that they have taken back control of their borders and whatever the other two were.

However, according to a poll conducted by leading finger-on-the-pulse polling organisation Polly McPollface, Brits are more concerned that they might be subjected to ancient Greek poetry than blinding flashes of light, million degree heat, and searing radioactive sickness.

One respondent told us, 'Nuclear armageddon? Naah, won't even wear a mask for that one, mate. What scares the crap out of me is that Boris might start reciting verses from ancient Greek poems. I mean, I like him and everything, and I'd vote for him no matter what, but you know what he's like. He's been waiting for this all of his life.

'He'll whip out a fat cigar quicker than you can say 'oven ready', exaggerate his hunch and utter the words we've all been longing for. You know the ones, 'It is my great regret to inform you that we are at war...' How brilliant would that be? That's all we've ever wanted to hear, and why I pretended to support Millwall and organised a few Barneys in the 80s.

'Now if I thought it would be that and a few lines about fighting on the beaches then, like him, I would be in hog heaven. But you just know that he won't be able to help himself trot out the odd verse of ancient Greek. And that stuff don't even rhyme. We didn't take back control of our borders only to have that old foreign muck thrown at us.'