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Matt Hancock’s mate from down the pub to run the BBC



The same bloke awarded a massive £530m contract for making Covid test kits in the function hire room of his pub has hit the jackpot again by being given the entire BBC.


'It's fantastic news,' said Matt Hancock's mate and new BBC chairman, Terry White. 'To be honest, I'm not sure what I'm going to do with it, so it's a bit like being given the special Covid crony contract all over again. I didn't have a clue what I was doing with that, and I don't have that much experience of running a multi-million-pound corporation. Still, if it makes me a shed load of cash, who gives, right?'


'I'll probably blow a load of money on a new series of Top Gear, with yours truly, Dan who used to work at Kwik-Fit and Keith across the road who has huge sub-woofers tied to his roof rack. Viewers can rest assured that all the female news presenters and weather girls are up to scratch and wearing age-appropriate swimwear. All that serious news bollocks will be binned, along with anything 'edgy' or 'creative', and Attenborough is out on his ear. I've already awarded myself six British Academy TV awards, and now I'm looking forward to putting in a sealed bid for British Gas. Me and the wife think £25.00 should cover it.'



First published 18 Jan 2022



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British Gas and Kim Jong-un bid for Manchester United



Notorious North Korean despot and Peter Kay lookalike, Kim ‘he’s a wrong-un’ Jong-un, has made a surprise bid to buy a Premier League club. His consortium is believed to include the presidents of Turkey, Belarus, Uzbekistan, and the chairman of British Gas.


A delighted spokesperson for United's fan club said: ‘We welcome the dear respected comrade chairman of the democratic beautiful game and supreme commander of Manchester United. He is the inventor of football. A sacred heron descended from heaven on the day of his birth and brought the Premier League into being. By using his wisdom and the power of his great will, we the people of Manchester will destroy our decadent enemies. Mind you, the pies are still a bit iffy.'


The bid means United are now debt free and can invest in the team, in punishment blocks, and in motivational cattle prods.


Manchester City have said they will not respond to provocation after a United football was kicked over their ground.



British Gas still hopeful at the Utility of the Year awards




It's awards season, bitches. And there's no redder carpet than the Utility of the Year awards. Anyone who's anyone will waft in for the gala night at the Footcorn Exchange in Hull.


The Water Works will always get a sympathetic smile, and yet another 'running' gag from the compere which references Monopoly. Jim Davidson will also be present, but no one will be quite sure why. Let's be honest, though... have The WW really pumped enough toxic shit into our rivers this year to be in with an outside shot? Everyone else thinks not, tilting their heads, pouting, and condescendingly offering their pocket squares for the inevitable floods.


And, of course, that awkward moment when top cheeses from other utilities accidentally make eye contact with the painfully hopeful and wildly overoptimistic bellends at the British Gas table. Centrica, my arse - we know who you are.


What a year they've had, eh? How many exclusive London PR rinsing agencies have they cycled through this week alone? Things have gone so badly, the government will likely be punishing the lot of them with lifetime peerages.


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