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The International Criminal Court has taken the unprecedented step of issuing an international arrest warrant for author and TV personality David Walliams after determining there are reasonable grounds for him committing crimes against humanity and literature.


Judges at the Hague said that the former Britain's Got Talent Judge bore responsibility for a series of atrocities such as unpalatable remarks regarding contestants, ill-thought out comedic characters, and torturing parents by churning out lazily-written stories with banal plots and questionable characters.


The action has been condemned by HarperCollins, who insist the writer's books are merely a continuation of the style of children's stories by peers going back decades. Speaking at their UK Headquarters in London, head of youth publishing Roger Roterhut told us, "Mr Walliams is a hugely successful author, with books beloved by children and their parents. Yes, you could say his writing is derivative, and relies on dated stereotypes, and the over-reliance of The Queen as deus ex machina; however, you could say that about several other luminaries of the genre, such as Roald Dahl, and he was loved by all, never saying anything contentious or that could tarnish his image. In that way, our client is exactly like Dahl, or JK Rowling."


image from pixabay


Following a long line of illustrious war criminals asked to host the show, the dead dictator said he was delighted to rejuvenate his image while chatting about fluff. His agent said: 'Anecdotes about mass graves are just some of the top bantz Pol can bring to the job. Alistair Campbell really opened the door on that one, nudge, nudge, wink, wink.'


It is not the first time that Susanna Reid has been forced to share a studio with a colossal bell end, but at least this one is not married to Yvette Cooper. Richard Madeley is said to be disappointed to have been overlooked for the role, but he does not have Pol's likeability.


An ITV executive said: 'We've been accused of whitewashing the reputations of crooks and killers but that was Britain's Got Talent'






In a drunken boast, the TV celebrity claimed that he had touched more people than Rolf Harris. Pointing to his glittering career, Mr Walliams said his contribution to the arts would outlast any future prison sentence.


Famous for the books 'Boy in a dress', 'Comic in blackface' and 'Underage girl in celebrity's dressing room', the beloved author is underfire because of his obsence comments - and failure to turn them into a sketch show. He is also infamous for his charity swims through rivers of effluence or 'Little Britain' as it is called.


His agent remarked: 'You've all heard the rumours about David Jason, well my David is ten times more memorable.'



Photo by Erik Mclean on Unsplash

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