Government achieves substantial growth in the can-kicking industry

The British can-kicking industry is booming – after a kick-start from the government. Critics say that it would be much cheaper to ship the cans to China, for them to be kicked there using forced labour. And savings would be even greater if China also supplied the cans. The debate about whether we should export the cans for kicking or preserve our own can-kicking industry, probably by inviting immigrants to come and kick them for us, continues.

Although he has not yet set up a Can Kicking Czar, Keir Starmer has already declared a series of milestones, to measure the progress of the cans in their trajectory. He is understood to have also created an equal opportunities monitoring committee, to ensure diversity in the cans being kicked – large, small, steel and aluminium cans – and among the kickers – women, men, and undecided. And there is a health-and-safety committee to assess the risk of the can going in the wrong direction and hitting someone.

However, there are still questions about funding. Who's going to supply the can, and the boots for the kicker? Which can company will get the lucrative contract to supply the can, and the boots? And what about the long grass? Where should it be? In London as usual? Or would regional long grass better deliver levelling up?

When praised for his 'can do' attitude, one government minister said, 'Those who can kick cans do, and those who cannot kick cans set up commissions to study who might be kicked into action as can-kickers.'

[ Hat-tip to deskpilot ]

Chaos! Cancelled flights leave passengers stuck in airports with British holidaymakers

Flights have been cancelled across Southern Europe as aviation staff undertake industrial action. That has meant continental Europeans being forced to share seating areas, toilets, and feelings of impatience with angry and sometimes sober British holidaymakers.

'Usually we only see them as we pass the terminal Wetherspoons,' said one Parisian en route to Prague to view a church ceiling. 'But this time we had to share contiguous spaces in real time.'

'Our children were crying,' reported a Latvian taking his family on a wild seed hunt in far-flung fjords. 'We have watched documentaries about British holidaymakers, but never thought we’d be forced to breathe the same bathroom air.'

It is understood that airlines usually allocate their oldest flying stock to ferry the animal-like Brits from Luton to Alicante, but the strikes have led to last-minute changes in logistical operations and the possibility of people from Huddersfield occupying planes unlikely to crash.

'If I’d known we would have been surrounded by people from the United Kingdom, I’d have taken out extra insurance,' said a cultured eye-glass polisher from Strasbourg worried that the strikes would render him late for a penny-farthing and Greek lantern exhibition in the Bay of Haribonesia.

Without tannoy instructions to board planes, Brits were seen shedding clothes and helplessly urinating where they stood. Meanwhile, males among the island tribe broke out into time-killing fights while others frustrated at the lengthy waits, and were seen demanding their human rights, free chips, and wireless lager.

Picture credit: Wix AI

Doomsday clock resets for British Summer Time

Thanks to a quirk of UK time keeping, peace has broken out around the world. Flowers bloom, children sing and Bambi's mum is alive again. The Atomic Scientists declared all is right with the world; nuclear weapons do not exist and Mrs Brown's Boys never happened.

A whole hour backwards means we no longer have an election with Harris and Trump, we get to repeat the Obama election. You know, the 2009 Hope Obama who we all loved, not the actual President Obama who read your emails and drone-bombed everyone.

One scientist paused, as he skipped through a meadow, hand in hand with his boyfriend: 'Enjoy it while it lasts. The clocks go forward in March. It's going to be cockroach overlords come April and not the Hope-cockroaches either.'

Photo by Lukas Blazek on Unsplash