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Tories identify N Ireland on map - claims debunked


There's no possible way to know the location of Northern Ireland. That's the view of the Conservative Party, who consider Northern Ireland symbolic of the fundamental right-ness of both Brexit and the British Empire - two sides of the same, very British coin.


However, some Eurosceptic Tories blame the EU for the Troubles in Northern Ireland. One said 'The English have selflessly brought peace, prosperity and joy to all of Ireland for centuries, from Jack Charlton to Oliver Cromwell. That's why all of Ireland is so united and happy to be a part of Britain and not under the fascist, totalitarian jackboot of Brussels oppression, with all their human rights and salad ingredients.'


The number of Tory MPs who could correctly identify Northern Ireland on a map may now exceed zero. However the number who understand its history and constitutional status remains equivalent to the number of healthy items in an Ulster fry.


'Here!' boomed one, pointing to Wales with wildly misplaced confidence. 'The first minister is called Nicholas Surgeon and the Parliament is in Hollywood.'


'No, it's that one' interrupted a colleague pointing at the Isle of Man.


'It's a trick question' said another. 'There are no Tory MPs there, so it doesn't exist.'


Other suggestions for where Northern Ireland might be included North Yorkshire, the North Sea, Namibia, Narnia and the 1970s.


A troublingly dead looking Tory MP reanimated from a brandy-induced nap to bellow 'There is no Northern Ireland. There is only Zuul.'




West London Brexiter shoots wife following bent banana confusion


A 57-year-old man from Kentish Town in West London was being held in police custody last night after blasting his wife in the chest with a shotgun in a fit of rage due to frustration that post-Brexit bananas were still curved and not straight as he mistakenly believed had been promised in pro-Brexit newspapers like The Daily Mail and The Telegraph prior to the 2016 referendum.


Michael Steeden, a boating lake attendant, was held by police at his home in Chalk Farm Avenue after neighbours reported two loud gunshots.


Officers broke into the property and found Steeden sitting on the stairs with the shotgun across his knees and a banana in his hands which he appeared to be trying to straighten with a copper and hide mallet, according to an eyewitness.


His wife of twenty-two years, Shirley, was found in the kitchen clinging to the sink with gunshot wounds to the chest.


The injured woman was rushed to the Kensington and Chelsea hospital where she was last night described as 'comfortable but extremely shaken'


A police spokesman told newsmen: 'Mr Steeden has been charged with attempted murder contrary to common law.


'He has admitted the offence, blaming frustration that post-Brexit bananas had still not yet been straightened, as he mistakenly believed would be the case following the Brexit referendum'






Rare unsigned copy of draft Brexit Deal to be auctioned off

Updated: Nov 21, 2021



The Trade Agreement Collector's world is reeling from the news that a rare copy of a draft of a Brexit deal which hadn't been signed by Boris Johnson as been found down the back of a sofa in the Reception area of a Specsavers, believed to be in Barnard Castle.


"These types of document come to light very infrequently, as they are usually shredded, but in this instance this slim volume appears to have found it's way out of Whitehall" said Chief Auctioneer, Willoughby Land. "It is also interesting in that many of the headings were prototypes of what were in the final documents - such as "Yeah, yeah we'll do that", "Sod the Fishermen", "Who needs Lorry Drivers anyway, they're all filthy oiks", and "TAX Havens", with most followed by a simple bullet point "whatever".


Asked if the sale has garnered much interest Mr Land replied "Yes, of course, it'll go for a fortune, as it turns out that the signed copies are worthless".


image pixabay/succo





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