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GB News Acquired by The Beano


Following the fire-sale purchase of right-wing news organisation InfoWars by satirical site The Onion, financially struggling UK counterpart GB News has announced its acquisition by a similar long-standing publication, The Beano.


'We're delighted to bring GB News under The Beano's masthead,' said Denise Menice, editor-in-chief. 'Thankfully we'll have to make very few alterations, given we've already got Nigel Farage as a perfect Roger the Dodger, telling you how to dodge inheritance tax; Jacob Rees-Mogg was actually the original model for Lord Snooty, so it's really a case of life imitating art; and of course the rest make a great ensemble piece as the numbskulls."


In a Clacton pub, regular viewers were - perhaps shockingly - welcome to the changes. 'So long as they don't take that Michelle Dewberry off the breakfast show,' one supporter remarked, 'she's the only reason I get up in the morning, if you get my drift, fnar fnar!' While another was a little more hesitant, telling us, 'I'm worried about two things: First, the woke agenda sneaking in. None of the kids get whacked with a slipper or a cane any more. I was beaten by my dad and it never did me any harm, if you don't count the PTSD. Second, I hope they don't use all those long words like they do in the comic. I try to read it every week, and have to ask my son for help.'


Angela Rayner eats breakfast, is condemned by Conservatives


A condition called 'Rayner-rage' is turning Conservatives and the right-wing press a crimson colour with impotent fury. It is, however, more existential than policy-based.


One morning, Angela Rayner’s alarm clock woke her up. She had a bagel and coffee for breakfast, then had a shower.


Conservative commentator Clementine Carruthers conspired, 'Her alarm clock probably isn't even John Lewis - typical lefty Britain-hater. That bagel proves that Labour is still antisemitic and that she is personally instituting Sharia law throughout England.  Her coffee probably cost £50, the champagne socialist. What's wrong with a British cup of tea? We're rejoining the EU by the back door! And unless she's showering with Keir Starmer, there must be huge disagreements already and she's being sidelined.'


Carruthers bought - and then ate - a copy of the Daily Mail comments section, before exploding.


Picture credit: Wix AI

Starmer declares his muesli is 'broken'

New Prime Minister Keir Starmer has warned his family that their breakfast is 'broken', and fixing it 'won't be an overnight job'.


"The Tories didn't buy any cornflakes and despite it's patriotic appeal, a full English takes too long and it's unhealthy. We'll have to tighten our belts" the stern-faced Labour leader announced to his weary wife and children.


"Give us a break" muttered Rachel Starmer to herself. "If he wants affordable health, he just needs to soak some muesli in orange juice, it literally IS an overnight job."




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