Government explains how breaking the pension promise doesn’t in fact break the pension promise

The government has explained how breaking the so-called triple-lock on pension increases does not actually, in fact, break the triple-lock. The following text is taken directly from a government press release.

‘The fact is that the triple-lock is a clear manifesto commitment. Fact. Another fact is that no-one ever read the small print of the manifesto. People prefer to imagine that the manifesto commitment means whatever they want it to mean. Which is actually quite correct. The commitment means whatever we want it to mean. Fact.

The fact is that the government never realised how costly the pension commitment would be. As costs have risen exponentially, which means by a lot, it is right to review whether or not the actual calculation of the triple-lock actually delivers the intended spirit of the policy.

The fact is that the spirit of the policy was to reassure pensioners that the government understood their situation, which was that their votes were available in return for a decent bung. The triple-lock has delivered a decent bung since the last election and will continue to do so.

The fact is that the government has made some minor improvements to the calculation of the pension increase to take out the effect of things entirely outside its control, such as the NHS strike, rail strikes, sewage on the beaches, sleaze, sexism, inflation, rising pay and crumbly concrete. These improvements to the pension increase calculation remain entirely within the spirit of delivering a decent bung to pensioners and this will continue to be the case for the foreseeable future.

These improvements deliver a substantial increase in the state pension from next April and one that is not substantially lower than the substantial increase that would have been delivered under the flawed and discredited arithmetic of the previous calculation.

In fact state pensions have increased by ten thousand per cent since they were first introduced and this will continue to be the case.

So you have every reason to be enormously grateful for the pension increase and every reason to continue to vote Tory very enthusiastically at the forthcoming general election.

Starmer won’t even commit to supporting the triple-lock, for heavens sake. Fact.’

Woman on verge of mental breakdown after laddering tights again

Local woman must restrain herself from throwing her faeces around and beating her chest like an enraged baboon as she ladders yet another pair of hosiery.

The area woman, who shall remain nameless, was hoping that this pair of tights would have the decorum to prevent itself from unravelling at the slightest touch, but alas. ‘I spent £10 on these things,’ the vexed office worker tells us. ‘They were brand new. You’d think they’d be able to withstand being hoisted over my crotch, but no. Instead, they disintegrated in the sunlight like they’d been enshrined in an ancient Egyptian tomb for thousands of years.’

The woman is currently walking around her place of work with the gusset slung lower than Travis Scott’s jeans for fear that pulling them up will unravel them completely and somehow rip a hole in the ozone layer.

‘Who makes these things, the spider from Charlotte’s web?’ she laments, the ladder widening as she exhales.

Stockings Tights Leg - Free photo on Pixabay - Pixabay

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Mortgage holders urged to drink 150 pints of beer per day to break even

Disappointing children’s action figure Rishi Sunak has urged homeowners to work harder on their drinking in order to overcome rising mortgages.

‘Look, I realise most people are paying an extra £500 per month, and that’s apparently challenging for many of you’, he told reporters. ‘That’s why we’ve reduced the price of a pint of beer by 11p. A mere 151 pints a day is the break-even point. Obviously it would be better if you just bought the house outright, but if you will insist on using a mortgage you can now offset some or all of the additional expense with cheap beer’.

Critics have pointed out that beer duty hasn’t fallen, it’s stayed the same – in pubs – while rising 10.1% on cans and bottles from off-licences.

‘Ah’, said Sunak, ‘I’m glad you spotted that. Inflation means that a price freeze is the same as a price cut. Glad we cleared that up. I want to get people back into pubs – don’t ask me why, I assume Infosys has just bought a few thousand – so I’m making them more competitive’.

If the beer thing proves popular with voters Sunak has promised to take a look at bread and circuses.