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Newly-discovered planet is 'safe'




The government is currently drafting a law declaring that a recently-discovered, 259,000 light-year-distant planet, described as a bare rock 'about half the size of that square bit of land sticking out of the left-hand side of England, covered in sheep' and which is 5,000 degrees hot, has seas full of hydrofluoric acid and an atmosphere of chlorine, is 'a safe, convenient and democratically-governed location to which unauthorised would-be immigrants may be lawfully accommodated while awaiting a decision on whether or not they are entitled to permanent residence in the UK.


'Of course it's a sensible choice,' a government spokes-bot declared 'which will deter the literally dozens of unauthorised would-be immigrants flooding to Britain every year in dangerous, ramshackle home-made clockwork flying saucers.


'And no-one need worry about logistical considerations regarding the plante's remote location.  Guests will have plenty of time to get there, have a nice relaxing break and then, if deemed admissible, eventually make their way  back to these shores, before Britain's immigration authorities have come anywhere near to making any kind of decision - about anything.'


Photo by Arnaud Mariat on Unsplash

Braverman: 'What even are "refugees" and "human rights" anyway?'



Suella Braverman is briefly pivoting away from abusing refugees and curtailing human rights in order to give a speech about abusing refugees and curtailing human rights. A leaked draft made extensive use of air quotes, screeching 'You say "basic human rights", I say "potato". You say "refugee fleeing persecution for being gay", I say "tomato". The point is let’s call the whole thing off.' 'You want human rights? You can't handle human rights. If you can’t arbitrarily beat up and imprison your political opponents, what’s the point? If you want a fair trial, it means you're guilty!' Tory intern Henry Hootington-Hurst added 'Leaving the ECHR would put the UK alongside Belarus and Russia - countries Suella clearly wishes to emulate. It contains the two things Tories fear most: human rights and Europe.'




Braverman: 'We’ll just have to find somewhere worse than Rwanda then'



The Court of Appeal has thrown out the government's signature 'Stop Rwandering over here and get on that plane' immigration policy.


In response, Home Secretary Suella Braverman has got her travel brochures out. Tory intern Henry Hootington-Hurst said 'So, Pyongyang looks delightful this time of year as do Chinese Uyghur re-education camps. For summer sun though, you can't go wrong with Mogadishu and it's in keeping with our post-colonial vibe. Plus you might get to be a pirate – splice the mainbrace!'


'The whole point of Brexit was for British courts to be sovereign. It certainly wasn't for those courts to give decisions that the Conservative party doesn't like. Suella's eyes are on stalks when she says that anyone with the job title Lord Chief Justice is probably a left-wing, hippy enemy of the people and that nothing screams "woke" more than those wigs and robes.'


'Rishi's talking so tough on immigration these days, he's even taken his tie off. It's so serious, he's added "stop the boats" to his email signature, but I think he just means his spare yachts.'


As an alternative to having an immigration policy, Penny Mordaunt has offered to stand on the White Cliffs of Dover – inevitably wielding a sword – whilst shouting "You shall not pass". Buckingham Palace has officially asked for the sword back.



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