Scientific brain break-through

Scientists have revealed the first wiring diagram for the whole brain of a fruit fly. This promises to revolutionise the field of neuroscience and pave the way for unprecedented insight into how the brain produces behaviour,

More importantly it will allow a timely input into the election of the next Tory leader. The leader of this breakthrough – Professor Branestawm – explained:-

“It has of course been scientifically proved that the previous 5 Conservative Party leaders could only muster between all of them less than the brain of a single gnat. However the challenge at the moment is that the combined brainpower of the current 4 candidates is less than that of an amoeba – and a particularly thick – sorry, intellectually challenged - one at that."

There have been some expressions of interest from the fruit fly community in standing as a potential candidate. When it was pointed out that fruit flies only have a life span of 40 – 50 days, a fruit fly spokesfly pointed out the Liz Truss precedent.

Image: Photo by Milad Fakurian on Unsplash

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University Challenge superfan yet to get one correct answer

Brian Smethurst, from Bognor Regis, who has been watching University Challenge since its first episode in 1962, admitted today he has still to answer even one single question correctly. Yet this hasn't dampened his enthusiasm for the show.

He said: 'I once thought I'd actually cracked in 1981, when I said Caravaggio was an Italian motor scooter... but turned out it was an espresso machine.'

Brian's wife Delia commented: 'Bless him. He loves it and even has a tattoo of original question master, Bamber Gascoigne, on his left buttock. He's vowed to have one of Amol Rajan on the other side should he finally succeed.'

Meanwhile Brian's quest goes on, although Delia isn't holding out much hope for her hapless husband. 'I can't see him ever doing it, because so far he's spent over twenty thousand pounds entering those competitions on ITV and he's yet to get even one of those answers right.'

Photo by Vadim Sherbakov on Unsplash

Scientists discover that brain cells die in Alzheimer’s disease 'because they want to'

'For years, we’d been trying to discover why brain cells die off in Alzheimer’s disease,' a leading scientist from the UK's Dementia Research Institute told reporters yesterday.

'But in a way, the answer had been staring us right in the face.

'Just think about what you've all done! You have made your poor brain cells sit through thousands of episodes of breakfast TV featuring Holly, Phil and Roland Rat.

'You have subjected them to Kylie Minogue and Rick Astley, and the speeches of every self-regarding, prating politician from Reginald Maudling and Edward Heath to Angela Rayner.

'Meanwhile, they have gone through years of witnessing the moronic antics of Coleen Rooney, Jeremy Beadle, Boris Johnson and Emu without rebelling and turning you loopy.

'And every morning, you have woken up and started force-feeding them a heart-breaking diet of news stories about killer floods, fires, famines, wars, earthquakes, and golden-haired children going missing.

'Is it any wonder that, after a nearly of lifetime of constant exposure to all this toxic bilge, they simply decided – one after another – to end their pitiful lives?

'What we're saying is: if you don't want your brain cells to desert you, stop showing them the dismal levels to which human existence has sunk in 21st century Britain.