North Sea dairies accused of milking ‘cash cow’ consumers

Multinational bovine conglomerate British Lactoleum is facing criticism for profiteering from continued inflated prices for moo-juice, despite baseline prices falling at the udder, with CEO Gerald Holstein accused of having milk on his hands.

Condemned for creaming off shareholder dividends at the expense of, and indeed all over, calcium-starved consumers, Mr Holstein insisted the company was investing literally pence in switching a token 5% of its production to alternative human fuels, such as oat, almond, and: ‘oh, I don’t know- turnip? Gravel?’

Speaking through a luxuriant milk moustache, he continued: ‘We appreciate most normal people we really don’t give a sh*it about will find the switch prohibitively expensive, but remember substitutes like ‘red UHT’ are illegal, and hacks such as adding Nesquik to your cereal may not provide enough energy to get to your multiple cleaning and delivery jobs.

‘Retraining as a barista specialising in milk-rich babyccinos would also help keep the gold top flowing into our company accounts; or simply invest in good old British colostrum and spend the day wallowing in a jacuzzi of the stuff, like I do.’

photo: https://pixabay.com/users/couleur-1195798/

BP uses huge profits to sponsor Liz Truss £1bn per coherent sentence

BP executives have turned shareholders into Scrooge McDuck or Richie Rich or Rishi Sunak, just as ordinary people's power bills skyrocket faster than an Elon Musk fan boy buying crypto.

One BP bigwig bragged 'It's not Britain's petroleum, it's ours. Obviously we won't be reducing what customers pay, despite our filthy profits. The Tories say we should run the country like a business so what do we care if they're choosing between heating and eating? I recommend insulating both your main country estates and your city crash pads with shredded £50 notes. It keeps me very warm at night. Alternatively, dust those fifties over your foie gras.'

To entertain themselves, nihilist BP executives have turned to Victorian style wagers. One offered presumptive PM Liz Truss a reward of £1bn for every coherent sentence or thought she could string together.

Another executive bet £1bn against his colleague adding ‘The terms of the wager clearly state that it doesn't count if she says something that she then has to roll back on almost immediately. Like paying Northerners less for being Northern. Or worrying about women in prison for not paying their TV licence - all zero of them. Or if it's something already happening like Tories ignoring Scotland. Given how 'true blue' Hertford, Hereford and Hampshire are, this is basically My Fair Iron Lady and I don't think I'm in much danger of paying out.'

Image: Pixabay/Ralphs_Fotos

BP stands for bumper profits

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