Tories roll the dice again and legalise Bear Baiting and Cock Fights

Conservatives have once again tried to find a policy that will win back voters confidence by announcing the repeal of the banning of the ancient “entertainment” of Bear Baiting and Cock Fighting.

'Too long have we deprived people of simple British entertainment and stymied the animal fighting industry,' said a party spokesman, 'it’s time we gathered around the television on a Saturday evening and watched a good old fashioned British cock fight.' The massed Tory ranks were vociferous in their vocal, clearly excited support.

Bear-baiting is a sport in which a chained bear and one or more dogs are forced to fight one another. It may also involve pitting the bear against another animal. Cockfighting is a sport involving roosters or cocks, held in a ring called a cockpit where they are encouraged to fight each other, the one remaining being the winner. The variations are endless and Tyson Fury’s representatives have already been contacted to see if he fancies taking on a couple of Bonobos.

;I’m tremendously excited by this announcement,' said one senior minister, 'I have been a cock fight enthusiast for many years and now us closet fans can come out of the shadows and support a regulated, safe (for us) and taxable sport where Britain can be world leaders.'

Photo by mana5280 on Unsplash

Heavyweight boxer self-identifies as lightweight

Heavyweight boxer Steve McAdams, currently ranked No 247 in the world, announced today that he “self-identifies as a lightweight” and will compete in that division from now on.

It’s thought he may have been inspired by the story of Lia (formerly Liam) Thomas, who went overnight from being a mediocre male swimmer to a female one who won every race by a huge margin.

]I just feel that lightweight expresses who I am deep down inside,” explained McAdams, adding that it definitely wasn’t a cheap ploy to give himself an unfair advantage.'

However, the move has attracted criticism from some in the sport.

'It’s ridiculous, said genuine lightweight boxer Mike Scanlan. 'The guy’s about twice the size of me. How can he possibly fight as a lightweight - are we supposed to just ignore what the scales say?” However, his comments were dismissed as “sizephobic” by some overgrown student activist the editor of the Guardian has on speed dial.'

In other news, racehorse owner Sir Timothy Benson announced that one of his less successful horses “self identifies as human” and will race against humans from now on.

'Though obviously it’ll have to be on grass, not concrete, since it’s really a horse.'

photo: https://pixabay.com/users/geralt-9301/

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Logan Paul set for rematch as world agrees to punch him in the face

After having gone toe to toe and accountant to accountant with Floyd Mayweather, the Youtuber is set to box the entire population of the planet, as we all take turns at trying to wipe the smile off his stupid face. With ‘$1 a pop’, Paul is set to raise $7.9bn – which will help fund his goal of buying a proper surname.

The logistics of the fight will be difficult, as it will involve a queue of fighters hundreds of thousands of miles long and an oversubscribed parking facility. Each round will last months, and fans are advised to bring a year’s supply of popcorn.

Paul is expected to go the distance, but his face is not. Despite being reduced to a bloody neck stump, many of his 15 million followers feel this will improve his Vlogging output. Infamous for mocking suicide victims, Paul has no shortage of opponents. Said one: ‘I’m not a violent person, but he’s got such a punchable face. It would be great to a rematch of the rematch; he’s also got such a kickable scrotum.’