Yoiks tally-ho! Now we've nowhere to go

As Boxing Day draws ever closer, Oliver and Hattie Mackintosh-Penrose prepare to face yet another one full of sad memories.

Oliver explains: 'Used to be the best day of the year. We'd get dressed up and then it was out to the yard where the horses had been immaculately groomed by the stable plebs.'

'A quick snifter or two outside The Bell and Dragon,' adds Hattie with tears in her eyes, 'then The Master would sound the bugle and we'd be off, galloping over fields and meadows with expectation of bloody carnage in our hearts and hounds yelping with the chase well and truly on.'

'The fun would really start if we encountered saboteurs,' Oliver smiles, 'a few good blows with our riding crops and that soon sent them back to their squats, bowls of muesli and nut cutlets.

'Then the best bit, cornering the fox with the dogs going crazy as the little fellow got ripped to shreds followed by another massive horn... if you follow what I'm saying. What? Whoops. I say, Hat. old girl. Pass me a tissue, will you? I appear to have had a little accident.'

Photo by Jason Wolf on Unsplash

Endurance Games: the day after the day after Boxing Day

Dateline: January the twenty-somethingth. It's 1:45 in the afternoon, you are still in your pyjamas, and actually feel hungry for the first time in six days. A sandwich, a ham sandwich and a packet of crisps? That's the ticket.

Stumbling across the kitchen, you open the fridge: ignoring the Organic, Free-range turkey and it's avalanche of gluten-free fruit and nut stuffing, the Prime Aged beef joint encrusted in tiny globules of fat, where is the wafer-thin ham? Lurking in the depths, just behind the assortment of Scotch Pine Infused Smoked Salmon and the Incredible Pulled-Pork-with-Extra-Pork Pate, you find a packet of Simply Superb Honey-Roasted Peppercorn-encrusted Ham Slices - this will have to do.

Moving to the bread bin - two slices of white bread? none to be found, all replaced with Artisan Seeded Sliced Sourdough. Weeping quietly you extract two slices and move to the cupboard - surely there must be a packet of cheese and onion?

No, you are now confronted with Handmade Roast Chicken, Cranberry and Stuffing Flavour Ridged Crisps, and, bizarrely, fries purporting to be Ultimate Roast Potato flavour... and the inevitable bloody Twiglets. Grabbing a handful of Extra Mature Cheddar and Smoked Paprika Cheesey-Crunchies, you lurch to the to the beer stash - could you hope for a simple, honest-to-gods lager? No chance - it is a toss-up between cans of Uncle Sumpkin's Guava Infused American IPA, and a Cold Press Chocolate Orange Milk Stout.

As the frustration wells up, the collected victuals are dashed to the wall and you stomp off back to the lounge, pausing only to grab a handful of Exquisite Sea-shell Truffles to graze on.

The pangs assuaged, you sit disgusted with yourself in front of the TV and watch The Snowman for the fourth time in five days, all the time brooding that the whole sorry charade will be repeated again in two hours.

Government makes DAB Day a Bank Holiday

DAB Day - the day after Boxing Day - is to be made a bank holiday, the Government has announced.

'For decades British voters - er - people have struggled to articulate what they intend to do on December the 27th, mainly because by December the 26th they have completely and utterly lost track of what day of the week it is,' said a government spokesman. 'Good luck with this year, with Christmas straddling the weekend - I think,' he added.

Economists have calculated that making DAB Day a bank holiday will cost the economy the square root of f@ck all as shops will be open as usual regardless, Amazon will be delivering, and people who work in jobs that aren't covered by those two parts of retail won't be in a fit state to walk, let alone drive, to work anyway.

The Scottish Parliament has declared the concept of DAB Day to be ludicrous, but have declared DADAB Day - day after the day after Boxing day as a second new bank holiday only to be observed in Scotland anyway.

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