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Brussels recognises breakaway republics of Hampstead and Islington



In a surprise hostile move, Brussels has recognised the independence of the breakaway republics of Hampstead and Islington from the surrounding UK.

"These citizens of these areas are loyal to the EU," explained crazed warmonger Michel Barnier today. "Many even speak French, at least in restaurants. We will not stand by and watch them forced to remain part of the eurosceptic UK, where they suffer daily oppression."

Asked what this oppression consisted of, Barnier cited the presence of Nigel Farage on LBC, GBTV and Question Time, and the imposition of daft American-style rules banning gender segregation of the pools on Hampstead Heath.

Prime Minister Boris Johnson was initially outraged by the move until it was explained to him that these places never vote Conservative, and he'd have a better chance of winning elections without them. He shrugged and got back to the Number Ten party, which had just moved onto an exciting game of pin the tail on Jacob Rees-Mogg.

At this point, First Minister of Scotland Nicola Sturgeon butted in asking, "Ye dinnae fancy takin' Scotland as well, mebbe?" Once this was translated into a language Mr Barnier speaks (i.e. English), he replied, "Er, no, you're alright, thanks all the same."



Boris slaps more sanctions on shady characters called Boris

"The following people are some of the most dangerous and manipulative rogues in Britain," the Prime Minister told the Commons.

"Her Majesty's Government has no hesitation in confiscating their assets and turfing them out of their plush central London residences. They have charmed and oiled their way right to the top of British life and are now busy wrecking this country from the inside.

"Quite honestly, they've been playing you all for fools for years.

"The names of these tricksters are Boris Kissoff, Ivan Nastikoff and Alexander Boris de Pfeffel ... Hang on! That's me, isn't it?"

'Russian oligarchs could be limited to £2m donations' warns Johnson



Boris Johnson has warned London's Russian oligarch community that a limit could be imposed on how much money they donate to the Tory party if Russia continues its invasion of Ukraine.


Mr Johnson has hinted there could be severe financial sanctions levied against Russians wishing to buy political influence here in the UK, saying any future interference will come at a cost.


That cost could be as little as £2m per oligarch.

Tory grandee Jacob Rees-Mogg also warned that Russian business affairs could also be impacted - but UK firms would be exempt if they had had the good sense to move their operations to the EU prior to Brexit as he did.

Other sanctions include limiting the number of hours they can double park outside their houses to just twenty hours a day and asking if someone could pick up the dog-shit after their Chow Chow has taken a dump in the park.




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