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Writer's pictureModelMaker
Dec 12

Espionage novelists shred two years of work


Two novelists hoping to step into John le Carré's boots, have today shredded the pages upon pages of text they laboriously typed, read again to check for typos, then re-wrote again and again to perfect the prose. They now spend their days in the Fox and Hounds, lamenting how each of them had been working on plots that involved the potential of the British government being brought down by foreign countries, only to discover the British government would bring itself down from within.

One of the authors, Joe Sykes, drained the last of his pint of Old and Filthy before telling our reporter with a sigh, 'I was sure I had a winner. Putin would be setting up a honey trap that Johnson would find irresistible. I spent ages doing the research, chatting to high class prostitutes, visited goodness knows how many sex shops to check out the types of bondage gear they flog.


'I searched to see whether a death certificate had actually been issued for George Smiley and nearly got nicked for hanging round the school gates in my quest for a description of the girl at the centre of the honey trap.


'I realised this week how fruitless it all was. There's no way Putin would waste his time trying to destroy the British Prime Minister's career, when the PM is such an idiot he'd do it himself before Putin had found the ideal agent to trap Johnson.'

'Can you lend me a fiver for another pint until my benefits hit the account next week?" he went on to ask our reporter.



First published 12 Dec 2021



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Writer's pictureChipchase
Dec 11

BREAKING: Boris Johnson rumoured to be about to make a speech that will not benefit him personally



As yet unsubstantiated reports are circulating that feckless self-serving buffoon, arch chancer and former Prime Minister, Boris Johnson, may be about to deliver a speech before Christmas that will see him stand to gain absolutely nothing from it personally.


One senior parliamentary correspondent, commented, 'We'll see, but I'd advise the public not to get too excited, here. It's never happened before and in my view still remains highly unlikely.'


This extraordinary story is currently breaking and we will keep you updated as and when we have any further information

Writer's pictureapepper
Dec 11

How to tell if dozens of people are having a party in your house


Are you concerned that people might be holding parties in your house without you knowing? Here are 10 tell tale signs to spot secret party nightmares:


  1. Are there people arriving at your house dressed in sparkly jumpers, holding bottles of booze and asking about the "meeting"?

  2. Do you bump into strangers on the stairs who insist on putting their arm around you and saying "I bloody love you."?

  3. Does your wife say things like "I hope the party doesn't damage the new decorations."?

  4. Are there photocopies of bottoms dotted around the room? Ones that you don't recognise as your own?

  5. When you're upstairs, do you hear the occasional strains of "Hi Ho Silver Lining" coming from downstairs?

  6. Is there a pile of coats in the spare room?

  7. When you walk across the room, are there a lot of dancing people in the way?

  8. Does some of your colleagues work look like it was written as part of a drinking game?

  9. Do some people keep asking you annoying questions about a party?

  10. Are you at a party right now?


First published 11 Dec 2021



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